After fifteen years of dedicated service to having the good comedy opinions, Jon Stewart has tragically decided to leave The Daily Show. It’s sad to see him go. We love you, Jon. Thanks for everything you’ve done. I don’t remember where I was on 9/11, but I’ll certainly remember where I was last night – the night I found out one of my heroes was bowing out. I was at a bar, I think. Or maybe I was just drinking in my car? Honestly I’m not really sure where I was last night, but I know where I woke up today. On some man’s couch in a seedy little apartment complex that used to have a gate. That’s something I’ll never forget; where I was the morning after Jon Stewart decided to leave the Daily Show.
While Jon is incredibly talented and makes the show what it is, its important to check ourselves while we lavish him with praise. He is, after all, a white man. So in many regards he didn’t technically “earn” the position of host of the Daily Show so much as he was in the right place at the right time. Namely, the white man privilege meetings where the good-haircut white men in suits decided who should get Hollywood things that year. Jon’s job as host of the Daily Show was 10% talent, 90% privilege, and for that reason, we have to find an appropriate medium between respecting what Jon brought to the show and also chastising the show pre-emptively for not replacing him with whatever specific type of minority we like to root for. My personal favorite are deaf Asians. You know how many deaf Asians have hosted the Daily Show? Zero. Not a single one. Wake up, America.
Personally, I’m already mad. Jon will probably continue to host the show until at least the summer, but I’m already annoyed that they haven’t found a strong, deserving minority replacement for him yet. I saw a black woman in a Tide commercial last week. Why don’t the get her? She’s been on TV, on that Tide commercial. I’m sure she’d be ten times better than Stewart ever was. Let’s get her. Or how about that gay Latino man from my local Fox affiliate? He’s already got the suit AND he’s comfortable talking about the news! Honestly, that’s a great match right there. Or… or…
Oh my, this is perfect… Why don’t we replace Jon with… me?
Now, hear me out. I know this may sound a bit self-aggrandizing but I would kind of be the perfect fit for the Daily Show. I’m a journalist, so I’m comfortable interviewing guests. I’m incredibly snarky and fun. People always get my sense of humor. I’m extremely good at thinking and being smart. But most importantly, I’m a minority. I’m a woman, a mother, and I suffer from high functioning alcoholism. I’m a fresh-face and a comeback story all rolled into one. Simply stated, I’m the best possible candidate to replace Stewart!
Just think what a woman’s perspective could bring to the show. For starters, unlike Jon, I wouldn’t be afraid to confront guests that I’m supposed to dislike. I won’t concern myself with respectability politics or tone policing. If I have a bad guy white man on, I’ll let him know he’s a bad guy white man. I won’t back down, even if I’m wrong. I’ll threaten my guests if they have bad opinions. I won’t read any of their books or even their Wikipedia pages and I’ll call them an idiot. I’m not afraid to go off script or throw chairs. I’ll make them look stupid and brow beat them for not having the good opinions. And I’ll dare them to hit me, which of course they won’t, because I’m a woman, and I’m drunk, so I’m even less responsible for my actions.
One of my personal heroes is Morton Downey Jr. and I’m almost certain that he’s the father of my youngest son (but that’s a story for another time). MDJ revolutionized television, discourse, and American politics by changing the way we think about interacting with people we dislike. Instead of being respectful and understanding that even highly intelligent people can hold opposing views, he stoked aggressions, and brought normally articulate people down to base emotional levels in an effort to turn human conflict into what it was always intended to be – primal rage, teeth-baring aggression, men dispatching with convictions and going to each other’s throats. That’s what I’d do with the Daily Show. I’d turn it into the Morton Downey Jr. Show, only starring me as Morton Downey Jr. I’d be allowed to smoke on the set, and after consulting with the show’s lawyers, I might bring back “zip it” and use it as my own catchphrase. Hell, even if we can’t get legal permission to use the catch phrase I’m doing it anyways. This is the Morton Downey Jr. Show starring Nicole Mullen, god fucking damn it! (Also, I’m doing cusses on the show.)
So yeah, I think it’s obvious who should replace Jon. It should be me, beloved internet sensation Nicole Mullen. Go ahead and try to disagree with me without sounding sexist, you pig fuck. Hell, write a convincing enough argument and I’ll have you on as a guest when I inevitably take over. Not so you can make your point, but so I can slime you. Yeah, that’s right. When I take over the show we’re also sliming guests that we don’t like. We’re bringing back slime.