Hey Liberals; If The Stomach And The Vagina Aren’t Connected, How The Hell Did My Son Get Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?

With all the dumb shit republican representatives say, you’d think that GOP stood for Goofy Old People. That’s what I say around the break room anyways, and people usually laugh, and one time I heard this woman I work with – Linda – I heard her say it and I threatened to run a Bic pen through her eye socket if she ever stole one of my jokes again. That’s how good that joke is – I had to threaten someone over it. That’s how you know an idea is good, if you want to hurt people to defend it. That puts my joke right up there with great things like liberty, or America, or parking spaces for non-muslims.

Anywhoodle this weeks big fuck up comes from Vito Barbieri, a finger kissing dago and Idaho lawmaker, who asked a doctor why women couldn’t just swallow little cameras to perform gynecological exams remotely. Stupid, yes. But don’t go too hard on ole Vito, who uses spaghetti to make dogs kiss behind his shitty restaurant. As an Italian, his solution for everything is eating – to injunct any natural efforts of the human body with massive amounts of cholesterol, hardening his Venetian cannoli arteries until his heart explodes in his early 40s. Yeah, you can’t do a gyno exam with a camera-pill, but I’m sure if Vito swallowed one the footage of his internal Wonka-nightmare-factory-hellscape would reveal immediately why his dick no longer inflates.

As usual, after he said the dumb thing, we all had to get online and make fun of him for saying something that is entirely wrong. But I’m going to be honest here for a second. Until someone told me that he was wrong, I wasn’t quite sure he was. In fact, I think a lot of people are running this story without knowing all the details.

I mean yeah, there’s not really a way to swallow a camera and have it go into your pussy, but hold on there, fellow liberals. Ole Vito here isn’t completely wrong. While there may not be a direct mouth-cunt tube, there is some kind of link, because I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten pregnant from drinking cum, and beyond that, my son has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. How is that possible unless there’s some kind of link? I certainly didn’t pour whiskey into my pussy. Or maybe I did, but I don’t think that’s how he got FAS.

Perhaps Vito is on to something. Could there be a possibility that through the digestive track, this camera pill could use the alcohol tube to enter the vaginal cave, whereby it would use the same mechanism the booze uses to fuck up the babies brain? I’m no scientist, but that sounds pretty scientific to me.

I mean hell, you can get alcohol in your titties if you drink even after the pregnancy. Then your titty milk becomes alcoholic and the child can develop FAS-like symptoms even after they’re born. I’m sure these doctors would also have us believe that there’s no way for the stomach to connect to the titties, but apparently there is – and get this – the titties are ABOVE the stomach! That means that the alcohol travels up, against gravity, to enter the titty and get the baby drunk.

Knowing that gravity-defying alcoholic titty milk is possible, Vito’s hypothesis doesn’t sound so ridiculous after all, does it?

The bottom line here guys is that even doctors can’t be sure how the human body works, so we shouldn’t expect lawmakers to know either. Yeah, in this case Vito was wrong, but not entirely wrong, and we have to check ourselves before we scold people we disagree with.

You know what the craziest part is? When I get drunk around my son, he starts crying. It’s almost as if my alcoholism is still affecting him, even though he’s not physically connected to my body by anything more than my fists. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

thumbnail image – Dan Ancona

More From Thought Catalog