“December 7, 1941, a day that will live in infancy.”
Those words were spoken by FDR, addressing a classroom of mentally retarded students (I’m not being mean, that’s what they were called back then) who had just been informed of the Pearl Harbor attacks during snack time, mostly through an elaborate demonstration involving a lot of airplane-spoons and pineapple slices.
Collectively, the nation bowed its head, and the scars created that morning are still felt today, 73 years later, as we remember the men and women who lost their lives in that vicious assault by the Chinese.
It was the first time in history that the United States had been directly attacked by a foreign power, almost every other war notwithstanding. It was the dawn of a new era, one in which America was forced to assert itself by corralling the smartest and most disheveled Jews in the desert, and forcing them to create the atomic bomb, arguably the greatest invention of the 20th century.
But the problem with Pearl Harbor Day is that dwelling on the attack has the unintended consequence of drudging up racist feelings towards the Chinese, stereotyping them all as anti-American, even now, 73 years after they attacked us on that fateful day.
Now, I’m not saying that we shouldn’t honor Pearl Harbor or the people that died, but to combat anti-Chinese sentiment and dispel racist attitudes that crop up this time of year, here’s a fun list of great things the Chinese have done, aside from attacking Pearl Harbor.
Mmm! Yum Yum! Sucky sucky! Sushi is a Chinese delicacy and one of my favorite foods in the entire world. Who would have thought that NOT cooking something would actually make it better? The Chinese, that’s who.
Fifty years ago, if you told someone that your favorite story was the one about an Italian plumber named Mario who had to save a princess from being raped by a giant ape named after a horse, people would have thought you were either racist or schizophrenic, or both. Fans of video games today, however, would recognize that you were talking about the game Donkey Kong, which was brought to you by the Chinese company Nintendo, founded by Mario. After releasing Donkey Kong in 1980, Nintendo went on to produce other hits like Sonic the Hedgehog, and Zelda.
I think most girls agree: there’s nothing sexier than a man with a really thick Chinese accent! That deliberate but staccato march through every syllable, the narrowed vowels, and the tendency to append a guttural “uh” to the end of every word that ends with a consonant, and the distinct and unmistakable tendency to swap l’s and r’s all make women wetter than the yellow river. It’s almost as if you can feel their terse tongues against your clit as they assault each sentence like a man that’s trying to make you cum quickly and efficiently, but without flourish or exaggeration. Very sterile but very sexy.
Spaghetti and Pizza
Take that, dagos. The best foods your country has to offer were actually invented by the Chinese. I don’t even particularly like spaghetti or pizza, but I do enjoy the fact that the Chinese have indirectly provided a way to denigrate Italians, which is always something I will support.
If there is any country that is demonstrably pro-choice, it’s China. In fact, one of their chief exports is dead baby girls, and as a feminist, that makes me proud as hell. Granted, it would be preferable if it were killing little boys instead, or if there were a way to not have any dead children at all but still prop up abortion as an abstraction. After all, it is a little depressing that they are killing all those kids, but keep in mind, they’re Chinese kids, and these are the fuckers that did Pearl Harbor, so I guess I don’t feel that bad.