Gaza Ceasefire Holds! John Kerry Did It! The US Saves The World Yet Again!

Stefano Tinti /">Stefano Tinti /
Stefano Tinti /

Well, it seems like the United States has saved the day again! Lest you forget, almost every single war in the last two hundred years has either been won by the United States or ended by the United States, and this most recent ceasefire in Gaza is just another victory for the greatest country in the entire world.

If you haven’t been paying attention, over the last month, Israel has conducted an incursion into the Gaza strip to dismantle Hamas and destroy their network of “terror tunnels” – underground passages designed to facilitate terrorist attacks inside of Israel. Almost two thousand people have been killed, many women and children, in the bloodiest clash since Operation Cast Lead in 2012.

Like many Americans, you may be thinking, hey, what the hell does that have to do with me? Why should I care about some war overseas? Isn’t that _not_my_problem_?

Well, yes and no. You see, as Americans, it’s our job to arm and police the world. It’s our duty as the only extant super power to send billions of dollars to foreign armies so they may purchase arms from American weapons manufacturers. Then, as experts on those weapons, we show the foreign armies how to use them. Now, we don’t provide this instruction so that they use the weapons; it’s quite the opposite. We show them how to use the weapons so they don’t use them. We show them how to kill people so that they know how to do the exact opposite, and it works extremely well. This is called having a global conscious. This is called being a leader of peace.

But sometimes, those armies actually use the weapons we give them to kill each other, and that’s when it’s time for harsh words and condemnation. That’s when it’s time to send in the big guns. Not literal big guns, mind you. We already sent in the literal big guns and they’re working extremely well. It’s time to send in the figurative big guns – it’s time to broker a negotiation between the warring parties.

That’s when John Kerry steps up to the plate, sits down the leaders of both nations, and hashes things out like a guidance counsellor or some kind of cool teacher with a sideways Kangol hat that knows how to straddle a backwards chair. And that’s exactly what Kerry did. He saved the world and ended the war.

In just several weeks and with thousands of lives lost, John Kerry was able to put a stop to the crisis in the Middle East once and for all by brokering a ceasefire (which is just a military term for complete truce and promise to live in harmony forever) between the two parties that everyone was happy with. If it weren’t for John Kerry and the people of the United States, even more people you don’t care about would be dead this morning. Even more deaths would be cutting into headlines about the Kim Kardashian app.

While we don’t yet know for certain if this current period of peace and tranquility will last forever, we do know one thing for certain. We know that the children of Israel, and the children of Gaza, owe John Kerry and the people of the United States a very, very big thank you.

And on behalf of this American and her family, you’re welcome. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Just a fun mom and a teacher at a retarded school. I like recipes and my kids.

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