The CDC is reporting that trace levels of Ebola have been found on several webpages on BuzzFeed’s servers.
“This is the first instance we’ve ever seen of a biological virus crossing over into the digital world,” said a CDC Rep. “It’s extremely terrifying.”
After allowing aid workers who contracted the virus in West Africa to return to the United States, doctors immediately quarantined the patients in what they thought was a safe place – a special isolated care facility at Emory University Hospital in Atlanta.
“No one was allowed near the guy,” said one of the physicians. “He had no human contact at all, but we did give him a laptop, and that’s where the problem started.”
At some point, the patient visited BuzzFeed, whereby some act of science, the virus transferred from his body to the website itself, where it quickly spread through all the lists and screencaps of Toy Story and Mean Girls.
“What we’re thinking is that somehow part of his brain melted onto the laptop while he was taking one of those quizzes, and his brain goo got online,” said one of the doctors. “That’s my opinion. As a doctor, that’s what I think happened.”
For those that are already not terrified of the Ebola virus, now it is time to be very afraid. Prior to the BuzzFeed infection, it was thought that Ebola was only transferable through direct contact with the bodily fluids of an infected person. Now it seems that anyone that visits BuzzFeed is at risk of contracting the virus.
“Ebola is extremely deadly and extremely contagious,” said a CDC rep, “even more so now that you can get it by seeing reimagined Disney Princesses or finding out what kind of dog you are.”
The CDC is advising that anyone who wishes to remain alive refrain from visiting BuzzFeed, and unfriending people who post links to Buzz Feed articles. For good measure, you should also block them and find a way to scold them on social media without directly commenting on their status.
“Make sure to sub-tweet them and tell them not to use the bad website,” the rep continued. “That is, if you want to stay alive.”