1. Handicapped parking is not the same as expectant or new mother parking.
Ugh. Yes. It. Is.
I don’t need the stupid placard and I don’t care that my son can walk on his own. I’m a mother. It’s like a disability. I should be able to park near the front of the store.
2. You shouldn’t smoke near your child.
Oh, I shouldn’t? Why, because he might think it’s cool? Because he might start smoking if he sees his ‘cool’ mom smoking cigarettes? Newsflash idiots: children never think their parents are cool, despite the fact that I am much, much cooler than my Beyblade-enthusiast son. Really, you shouldn’t correct me in front of my child because then he’ll think it’s cool to go around policing the actions of others. That’s a bigger detriment to his health then smoking, really. If he starts smoking, he shaves maybe 10, 20 years off his life – either way it doesn’t matter, I’ll be dead by then. If he goes around, like you, telling people how to be good parents, he’s liable to get his ass kicked.
3. He’s so well behaved.
Yeah, right now. We’re out in public. You think he’s going to throw a temper tantrum in the store? He knows I’ll just hit him twice as hard when we get back home. Trust me, this kid is not well behaved, he’s a god damn monster and when you go up to a mother and tell her that she’s done a good job of taming her child, it doesn’t come off like a compliment – it feels like an insult. You’re basically downplaying the struggle of parenthood and robbing me of my victimhood status.
4. I’m hungry.
This one is especially a nuisance when it comes from a male child. I don’t know how many times I have to tell my son that I’m a feminist and that when he asks me to make food for him, he’s participating in the patriarchy and therefore has lost his Nintendo DS privileges. You know what, Mason? I’m hungry too. You know what I do when I’m hungry? I find a man to buy me dinner. Maybe you should try wearing mommy’s makeup instead of just eating it for a change, and see what kind of sugar daddy you can find for yourself.
5. I have to get to school.
Oh, so I’m suddenly supposed to get a DUI just because you have to learn subtraction and you can’t ride the bus anymore because of “the bullies.” You know, Abraham Lincoln walked 5 miles to school, barefoot, in the snow, and even then, he still had it a hell of a lot better than the slaves that he freed. If you want to learn, why don’t you show some initiative and figure out how to use Uber.
6. When is Dad coming home?
When is… what? You know god damn well you don’t have a father. Who even told you to say that? Oh, you saw it on TV and you said it because you thought it might be cute? Well, it’s not cute, it’s annoying, and it feels like a criticism of my mothering abilities. You’ve just lost seatbelt privileges for the next week, and we’re going to be doing a LOT of driving.
7. You’re hurting me!
Yeah, that’s the point. It’s called spanking and I’m doing it because I love you and because I had a hard day at work. If you don’t learn now that the world is an awful place that hurts you without justification or remorse, you’ll have a rude awakening in store when you finally strike out on your own.