Well, the TMNT movie is out and it’s crap. I haven’t seen it yet but I know it’s crap because I’m a mouth breathing nerd and I have to hate all the dumb shit I like otherwise it wouldn’t appear as if I was capable of critical thought.
Luckily I was molested as a kid, so I don’t have to worry about a movie ruining my childhood, but I am super disappointed with the choices the studio made when handling a cultural classic like TMNT – a franchise about turtles that eat pizza and do karate with an Engrish-speaking rat.
I have a couple of suggestions for Hollywood – and they should listen to them and take them to heart. Here’s what they could have done to make TMNT the right way. Here’s how they could have made it the movie I envisioned in my empty head; rather that the film they actually made – a piece of shit for children.
1. Get rid of the Donatello character
One of the biggest gripes of longtime fans is the Donatello character. He has always felt like an unnecessary addition to the gang, and he should be cut from the series. It’s a general rule that everything works better in multiples of three. Think about it – there were three Ghostbusters, three Musketeers, and three Karate Kids. They were all great. Four is too many, and just two is always garbage. Think about all the shit buddy cop movies we’ve been forced to suffer through. And the Twin Towers. There were only two of those, and look what happened. If we had three towers we’d still have one of them.
2. Have Splinter narrate the movie
Splinter is wise, even for an old rat. At times, he feels omniscient, and the story should be told from his perspective. Have Splinter narrate the film.
3. Set it in the 1930s and change the surfer slang to all the stuff they said in the Sting.
I never liked that the movie was set in NY. New York already has enough weird shit going on. I really doubt that anyone would pay attention to a bunch of giant turtles considering we already have an anti-Semitic Elmo that works for John Gotti and a nude cowboy whose fifteen minutes ended ten years ago. Do away with present day NYC, and set the movie in the 1930s. The turtles will call each other stuff like “yegg” and “moll” and it’ll change the thematic composure of the film into something more realistic and palatable.
4. Replace Splinter with a human
Splinter shouldn’t be a rat. We already have giant turtles. Why do we also need a rat? Splinter should be a human. Some sort of wise old man that lives in the sewer and can talk to turtles.
5. Change Raphael’s name to Andy
I’ve always liked the name Andy and I feel like more movies should have characters named Andy. Raphael is too effeminate and European. I know this ruins the Renaissance artist naming scheme, but it also sets Andy apart as the main character. We can explore his depth more and do away with the entertaining but ultimately under-developed ensemble structure of the team.
6. Bring Back the Donatello Character
One thing fans really hated was the removal of the Donatello character earlier in this list. Sure, he felt superfluous and didn’t do much, but he was part of the team and his bandana helped define the color palette used throughout the film. Bring back Donatello.
7. More villains
Instead of just Shredder and his army of teen ninjas, let’s see some different villains with different motivations. Perhaps three gay men that want to have sex with the turtles. I know it’s problematic to put gays in exclusively evil roles, but I think we’re taking enough of a departure with mutant turtles to justify their inclusion as the bad guys. There’s equal representation for minorities in the film, and we don’t have to deal with an incredibly bizarre character like Shredder who wants to kill the turtles because he thinks they’re disobeying the shogun’s orders.
8. Instead of a sewer, they live in a prison
There’s no complexity with the sewers. There’s nothing that the turtles are really struggling with. Let’s do away with the sewers and put them in a prison.
9. Andy is in in turtle jail for murdering his wife
But here’s the twist – he didn’t do it. Some other guy did it and Andy has been framed. No one believes him though, because everyone in turtle jail claims their innocence.
10. Which one is Donatello?
Even the most diehard TMNT fans don’t know which one Donatello is. Is he the blue one? Is he the red one? It’s incredibly confusing at times, it makes you wish he weren’t in the movie at all.
11. Splinter is played by Morgan Freeman
The human that replaces Splinter should definitely be played by Morgan Freeman. Also, let’s get rid of the name Splinter and call him Red.
12. Instead of Shredder, the enemy is the money laundering Warden
Get rid of Shredder entirely. Instead, the Warden of the prison is using Andy’s skill as a banker to launder money through the prison. Also, Andy is now a banker in his life outside of turtle jail.
13. Eventually the turtles escape Shawshank and they meet back up in Mexico to work for Andy’s business
After the only person to hear the real killer confess to the murder of Andy’s wife is killed by the Warden, the turtles toil away in turtle jail in a subservient role to the Warden. But, Andy tunnels his way out, and eventually sends for the rest of the turtles (excluding Donatello, who is killed off at some point) and Red to join him in his new business in Mexico.