NYPD Denies Murder Quota

Yesterday, after another routine murder of a civilian by NYPD officers in Staten Island, many are asking the NYPD to answer for the suspiciously convenient timing of yesterday’s tragedy.

“It’s weird, you know,” says resident Sandy LaCrappe. “They had only killed maybe one or two people this month. It seemed kind of odd that you hadn’t heard about the NYPD murdering someone in a little bit and then all of the sudden, boom, they kill a man on camera in what is a clear case of excessive force.”

“You know, I mean they can’t admit that they have a quota,” says Long Island City restaurateur Mo Brest. “But everyone knows the cops get paid to disproportionately target minorities, put them into choke holds, and kill them on video. You don’t think there’s ANY internal pressure to murder more innocent people when the calendar is starting to thin out?”

Brest articulates a concern among the community, and many are starting to question the NYPD directly and demand an answer as to why they seem to conveniently find a way to murder more and more civilians every year. In a recent press conference, a young man poses the question of a murder quota directly to the commissioner.

“That’s utter nonsense,” says NYPD commissioner Gordon. “Look, we’re doing our best to get out there and indiscriminately kill as many New Yorkers as possible – especially minorities – but to suggest that we place some sort of quota on our officers is absurd,” he explains. “That’s just too much pressure. These men have it hard enough.”

While public disdain for police is mounting, the commissioner does highlight a serious issue. It’s often easy for civilians to forget the pressure police officers face, and the underlying humanity of New York’s finest. A group of officers sit in a conference room and collectively lament the erosion of trust in the public servant.

“It’s hard, you know?” says one officer, carefully sipping a latte in an effort to not spill any of his eight dollar coffee on his many layers of body armor. “People don’t realize that this is one of the most dangerous jobs in the world.”

The officer’s eyes well with tears as several others gather around to console him.

“Last week I got a booboo on my finger,” says another. “I touched the pointy part of my badge and got a booboo.” He begins to cry as the other officers take turns kissing his booboo. TC mark

featured image – The Dark Knight Rises

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