Guys Without Abs Should Basically Kill Themselves

As a woman, I like to have sex with men, and I’m glad that were finally getting to a point in our society and culture where women are allowed to objectify men’s bodies to the same degree that women have been objectified for millions of years.

I want to see more hot naked men in the media, and I’m glad were finally starting to embrace male nudity in films. For now – most of that nudity is in comedy films because there’s something “funny” about a man waving his penis around on camera; but let me tell you this – as soon as those penis movies come out on Blu-ray, I’m masturbating to them in the privacy of my home.

Not only do I enjoy male nudity and male objectification because I derive physical pleasure from it, but I also like the revenge element. I like that when we idealize beautiful men, that it hurts ugly men.

I love when I walk through the grocery store and I see bald men wearing baseball hats, or fat men feeling ashamed when they see pictures of Mark Wahlberg on the cover of Men’s Health. I love the look in their eyes when they realize they are disgusting; that women like me won’t want to have sex with them, and they have to push those thoughts away as they put their Dunkaroos on the conveyor and commit to at least another week of being an ugly, unfuckable man.

Now, granted, I know that sounds a bit hypocritical. I know it seems like I just want the world to be worse, but really, shaming and hurting men is the only way we’re ever going to have true equality. We now know that we’re never going to live in a world where everyone is happy, so can’t we at least live in a world where everyone is miserable?

It’s become clear that no matter how much we fight and yell and hashtag, rape culture will just not go away. Shame culture will not go away. Even when a woman makes a lighthearted joke about misandry, men come out of the woodwork on Twitter and Facebook to call for her death. Appealing to these animals’ sense of empathy, or their intelligence, simply doesn’t work. That’s why we need to give them a taste of their own medicine. We need to let fat men and bald men know that they should basically kill themselves.

If you’re a fat man, and by that of course I mean any man that doesn’t have abs, you should reconsider your masculinity. For too long we’ve allowed the media to project this image of overweight men as loveable patriarchs. Perhaps somewhat dimwitted, but always treated with a certain degree of respect, fat men are promoted as a realistic ideal. Fat men are seen as good husbands and fathers, rather than what they really are – unhealthy slobs who will never be allowed near a woman like me.

You see, these fat guys are not hot. We need to stop letting them get away with thinking they have anything that’s desirable. As more and more women enter not only the workforce, but positions of economic power, the provider roles these men were once filled will dry up, and it’s my biggest fear that they will be able to backdoor their way into desirability by pretending as if it was their fatness that was attractive in the first place, and not just their ability to provide a sense of financial and emotional stability.

We, as women, in the struggle for gender equality, need to focus less on the “head of the snake” as it were – the dominant, broey, alpha types that commit the most rape – and instead view the patriarchy as a contiguous being. We need to attack men at their Achilles heel – their weakest point – and that weak point is most certainly fat men.

This is a call to all women to stop dating men without abs. Let’s make them feel bad about themselves. For equality.