Don’t Forget To Inspect Your Anus For Brown Recluse Spiders

“It’s where they get the name,” said a leading entomologist at Cambridge University. “They get in there and they like to hide, and they wait until you go to the bathroom to bite you.”

Brown recluse spiders are on the rise, and it’s important to be afraid of them. All over North America, reports are coming in that brown recluse spiders are biting people of all ages, coming out of their anus to inject their venom into their host, and sending many to the hospital.

For the unfamiliar, brown recluse spiders are easily identified by the violin shape on their back, their prominent pedipalps, and their proclivity towards hiding in people’s bottoms or fannies.

“Often, people won’t even be aware that the spider has made its nest inside of their anus,” said another researcher. “the spider stays in there and lays eggs. It doesn’t like going out much and it likes to eat poop.”

Scientists are recommending that during brown recluse paranoia season (now), it would be prudent to spend an hour or two a day squatting over a mirror with a flashlight, inspecting your bottom for spiders with your fingers or a q-tip. Make sure to relax and try not to disturb the spider or it will bite you, and make sure you don’t play any music or bring other spiders along because they’re introverts and also they eat poop.

Researchers also warned that the spider is of extra concern to parents, not only because the spiders venom is especially dangerous for children, but because children’s anuses are exposed more often than adults through diaper changes and crawling around nude in daycare centers.

“That’s where you see spiderbutt the most,” said pediatrician Dylan Clark. “The kids crawl around naked in their play pen and the spider runs right up and gets into their butt and it stays in there because it doesn’t like to be social and go out. Also it eats the baby’s poop.”

In fact, the vast majority of cases admitted to the hospital are parents who were bitten by the spider as they were changing their baby’s diaper.

“You have to use extra precaution with babies. Some of them can go years without a good spider flush and they are literally filled with spiders,” said Clark. “Use your keys or a pencil to clear them out when changing them.”