It’s called hog rolling, and it’s the latest trend to hit conservative social media. Across the red nation, truck owners are having sex with their vehicles to protest the increasingly widespread legality of gay marriage.
“A lot of these guys out here you know, they just hate Obama,” said Clint Goldfoot, a manufacturer of custom tailpipes that accommodate the narrow-dicked patriots. “If Obama is for gay marriage, they’re against it. If he’s black, they’re against it. A lot of them don’t even want to have sex with the trucks but you gotta do it to show the president how wrong he is.”
Hog rolling started off as a Facebook phenomenon where members of groups like “Southern Guns, Guns Beer, Women Beer And Fuck The President” and “Its Time To Empeetch Obamma” would post pictures of themselves nude next to their trucks and challenge each other to not get erections.
“Here’s a pic of me and my hog posing in my rig. If you look at it and don’t get a boner, like and share. If you cum or get a boner you have to leave the group,” writes Jeb Larkmulch, a self-described “modern-day foundry father” in a comment on one of his pictures.
“This is a great pic Jeb, molon labe I almost came luckily I didn’t cause I’m not gay!!!!” adds Frank Bankwater, a father of two, gun enthusiast, and man who has sex with his truck.
“Wow, I bet I know someone who would jack off to this to completion,” adds another, “his name starts with O and he’s an illegal muslim Kenyan who wants everyone to be gay like him. Not me though.”
As the trend grew as a meme, the men pushed each other to new heights to see how not gay they could be with their trucks.
“Guys started doing other stuff like jamming their crank into the tailpipe like it was a woman, or shoving the tail pipe in their ass like it was also a woman but a woman with a tailpipe instead of a pussy.”
“One of my favorite things to do,” comments Wayne Fieldchildren, “is have sex with the tailpipe but you keep the truck nuts on and you suck on them. But you have to pretend they’re boobs. You can’t pretend they’re nuts, because that’s gay.”
One man has gone as far as converting his truck’s engine to run entirely on semen.
“There’s a downside. The semen burns clean and it’s not as bad for the environment as the diesel,” he says, sporting a shirt featuring a penis broken into several pieces with “don’t suck on me” written below. “I go from town to town collecting semen from other patriots and raise awareness of hog rolling. And to make up for all the polluting I’m missing out on, I just dump all my used lube into the storm drains.”
Wiping excess semen from his lips and fingering it into his trucks gas receptacle, he smirks. “I’m not stopping till I get to Washington,” he says. “We’re gonna show that tyrant son of a bitch how wrong it is to be gay.”