Are We Sure Transgender People Aren’t Just Trolling?

Dallas Buyer's Club
Dallas Buyer’s Club

For a long time, I didn’t believe in trolling. I couldn’t accept that someone would get online and say something they didn’t mean or pretend to be someone they weren’t just to get a rise out of people. It seemed somewhat insane – here we have the pinnacle of human communication (the internet) and you’re going to use it to make discussion more difficult? Where’s the logic in that?

These days, it’s hard to ignore the trolls. I for one hate being trolled and I hate when I get owned by trolls online. I still remember the first time it happened. It was six years ago. I had created an account on Yahoo Answers, at first to diagnose and treat a medical condition my son was experiencing, and later to answer questions to earn the coveted top contributor badge. I found a community. I found purpose in my life. And most importantly, I found out I could just ignore my sons headaches because he was probably faking it.

One day, a young poster asked the seemingly earnest question, “is it normal if one side of your pussy is bigger than the other.” I laughed to myself as I read it. I assumed the poster was a young woman, much like I was once a young woman. I remember being young. I remember being insecure about my lopsided pussy, too. So, I assured this young woman that yes, it is absolutely normal for one side of your pussy to be larger than the other. She selected my answer as the best one, which initially pleased me, but she then left a comment saying that she was only trolling, and that I had just admitted to the world that I had a lopsided pussy.

Instantly I was furious. Instantly, I was once again embarrassed about my lopsided pussy. I had been trolled. The number one way to troll me is to make fun of my lopsided pussy, and this girl had nailed it.

But, you know who never experiences embarrassment about their lopsided pussy? Transwomen. They don’t ever have lopsided pussies. They either have a far superior penis, or they have a designer pussy, sculpted perfectly by a surgeon. Those of us with the homemade kinds of pussies have to deal with “problems in the kitchen” that doctor-made pussy women don’t have to deal with. Our pussies come in all sorts of fucked up shapes and sizes, whereas transwomen’s pussies are built to order snapshots of the hottest types of vadges on the market. That’s really not fair, and in a way, they are trolling us.

For example, I saw a transwoman in the shower at the gym, and I couldn’t help but stare at her brand new pussy. There it was in all its beauty. Plump, tight, and well defined. It looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy was hugging a grape. And the smell, too! So fresh! As soon as she disrobed it was like someone was lighting incense in a Toyota dealership.

As I stared in awe, another transwoman came in and took notice immediately.

“Whoa! Sharon! Nice fucking pussy, dude!”

“Thanks,” said Sharon, pretending to be bashful as the other tranny and I admired her pristine clamshell. I half expected it to open up and reveal a perfect little trans-mermaid that would taunt me and my natural, weathered, high mileage pussy. I had to steal myself and look away as the friend launched a finger into Sharon’s mint twat.

“Ooh! Swish! Nothin’ but net!”

“Get outta here, haha,” objected Sharon as she removed her friend’s finger from her perfect vagina.

“Haha goddamn Sharon! It’s like fingering a five year old!”

I couldn’t take it anymore. There I was with my awful lopsided cunt, and these women come prancing in with their toddler honeypots, showing them off like they were better than me. I had to leave.

“Fuck both of you!” I screamed, covering my big old pussy with my hands as I ran out of the showers.

It made me think a lot about my time on Yahoo Answers. It made me thing about how hard I had been trolled about my bad vagina, and I started to wonder if Sharon was really even trans at all – if her friend was trans – if there’s even such a thing as trans to begin with. Is it possible that trans folks are just giant trolls?

Across the board, trans people piss off every group in the world. Regular old fashioned bigots hate them, Christians hate them, some gay people hate them, and even radical feminists dislike trans folks because they reinforce the idea of gender being something that’s present at birth. If there’s anything I’ve learned from the internet, it’s that if most people hate something, it’s because it’s bad. And if something is bad, it means it’s trolling.

Now, I can’t say anything for certain. I have to admit, even writing this it still seems a little farfetched that a man would just pretend to be a woman to troll people – but it is a possibility, and anything that’s a possibility is up for discussion. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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