Thanks Bieber. Thanks For Proving That All Canadians Are Racist.

Hands down, the most shocking story this last week has been the emergence of a video showing Justin Bieber using not one, not two, but six or seven different n-words in the form of a “joke.” In the video, Bieber sits with friends and asks, “why are [African American People of Color] afraid of chainsaws?” and his friends beg him not to finish the joke. Well I’ll tell you what friends: he finishes the joke, but he also finishes my respect for Justin Bieber.

While it isn’t a surprise that a white person is racist, the video empirically and definitively confirms what I have been saying all along: Canadians are more racist than Americans. All Canadians love using the n-word multiple times, and they love to tell racist jokes. There’s a false belief that saying the n-word is okay if it ends in “a.” Guess who invented that? Canadians; who end everything with “a.” They just made up this bullshit about only hard-r n-words being bad so they could justify their awful racism.

Systemic Canadian racism is deeply rooted in their culture. As descendants of France (the pussy country where no one bathes) they don’t possess the even-keeled diplomatic disposition of the predominantly German-English-Irish white folks of the United States. They don’t respect other cultures: which is inarguably a French characteristic. In the old days before language hurt everyone’s feelings, the French would deliberately neglect their hygiene to violate the olfactory glands of their neighbors. They considered their bodies to be extensions of their precious cheese, and their cultivated stench wafted across Europe – much like Bieber’s little n-word video – and offended everyone.

But when the French settled in Canada, they found that the accumulation of an awful stink didn’t fare well in the colder temperatures. They were unable to sweat, and try as they might, they couldn’t disgust everyone around them with their bodies. That’s when they inadvertently invented racism.

At the time, the United States was still practicing slavery – an awful tradition, but something that you have to judge and analyze within its historical context. It would be unfair to say the slavers were bad people, because they truly believed that God wanted them to own slaves. And it was also about states’ rights. Can’t argue with that, can you? The French on the other hand really did love to offend people, and therefore we can make declarative statements about their morality based on today’s standards.

Anyhow, word reached Canada that many slaves were escaping their captors and seeking refuge in the North through the Underground Railroad. Initially, Canadians were opposed to the idea of allowing freed slaves into their country, until they realized that the freed blacks had been living in complete squalor as human property – and in the very hot and humid climate of the American south no less. They realized that the freed slaves would possess that missing fragrance that they left behind in their dear France. So, they opened their doors wide, and they practically insisted that all the freed slaves make their way north to Canada: on one condition, upon the slave’s arrival, the French would be able to smell their feet and assholes, inspect their armpits, and bottle their sweat to use as cologne.

Obviously, the freed slaves found this to be bizarre and disgusting, and many doubled back across the border to start new lives in northern American cities. This infuriated the French Canadians, and set in place a long withstanding and inexorable bitterness toward African Americans. Their stink became emotional. Their stink became systemic racism.

And we’re smelling that stink today, friends. We’re smelling it in the form of Justin Bieber – who is undeniably the most successful and prominent Canadian of all time – going around stinking up the internet with his French bullshit. I almost don’t blame the kid for what he said – he can’t help being a racist piece of shit. It’s his awful French genes that did him in. He’s not to blame for his actions or his words, society as a whole is to blame – Canadian society – because he is simply a product of his environment and experience. Bieber didn’t say the n-word, Canada said the n-word.