Being From Texas Is Like Having Fetal Alcohol Syndrome


So I guess Rick Perry has said some fucked up shit again.

This time around, he compared homosexuality to alcoholism. The gist of his idea is that homosexuality, like alcoholism, is an impulse you can choose not to engage in. It’s a shit analogy for a couple of reasons, mainly because no one ever ran over a bunch of kids because they were sucking a dick while driving. Nobody ever ass-sexed themselves into a coma.

I really don’t get how people can be aware of Rick Perry and not already know that he’s racist against homosexuals. Every other word out of his mouth is some misguided ignorant statement about men that fuck each other. But, whether it’s predictable or not, I guess his homophobia is always news worthy.

Not to play Devil’s advocate, but I feel like there’s a bit of undue criticism being thrown Rick’s way. Not that what he’s saying is right, but you have to understand – he can’t help but being a bigoted shithead. That’s just part of being from Texas.

Yes, Texas. It’s only got one star, but it has a shit ton of extra chromosomes. As wide as a deformed nasal bridge and as long as the list of comorbid symptoms of a beer baby, the Lone Star state tries its best and hey, that’s good enough for me.

Being from Texas isn’t a choice – it’s something you’re born with, and it impacts your ability to live a normal life. It’s sort of like having Fetal Alcohol Syndrome – it’s something that’s entirely preventable, but due to a parent’s prenatal negligence, the child is marred for life.

Much like FAS victims, Texans are imbued with a spirit of independence. Now, when I say that, it’s important to understand that I’m differentiating between a spirit of independence and actual independence. The two aren’t related in the slightest – it’s the difference between being special and being important.

For some reason, to Texans, independence is owning a gun and driving a giant fucking truck that you don’t need. Texas independence is looking like every other dipshit in the state that thinks they’re a cowboy despite the fact that they have an iPhone and they buy their jeans at Walmart. Texas independence is making uninformed statements about homosexuality based on a make-believe book you were forced to read as a child. Texas independence is the spirit of independence, or more appropriately, the façade of independence. It’s analogous to a stubborn waterhead demanding to press the buttons on the microwave himself because he wants to feel like a big boy. Good for you, Texas, you didn’t fuck up the burrito, but someone else had to hold the scissors, and you’re just going to burn your mouth on it like you always do.

Real independence involves challenging your views on things and not repeating the dumb shit you learned growing up. It’s about questioning your convictions. Real independence is about accepting that not everyone thinks or feels – or fucks – the way you do. This is the kind of independence that’s missing from Texans. It’s a developmental disorder, really.

Don’t get mad at Rick Perry, he can’t help but be a misinformed homophobe. He’s retarded. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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