Okay. You’ve been there. Your name is Chad McKilker. You’re 32, you work at CarMax, and you think you’re better than me despite the fact that you live with your mother. I get it, the world is tough, and a lot of people (myself included apparently) don’t understand how hard it is to be you. Well – you’re wrong, Chad McKilkers of the world. I know exactly how hard it is to be you, because I had to put up with your shit for months. Here’s nine problems only Chad McKilkers understand.
1. You Mess Up Great Relationships. Being a Chad McKilker is all about sabotaging relationships with people that treat you right and are just looking for a base level of respect. If you’re a Chad, you end things early and come up with lame excuses like being afraid of my alcoholism or my butterfly knife collection.
2. You’re Afraid Of Commitment. This is a total Chad McKilker move.
3. You Take Powerful Women For Granted. Nothing says Chad McKilker more than being afraid of the fact that I am confident enough to get myself home after a night at the bar. A real man wouldn’t try to take my keys – I didn’t consent to that shit. I know what the fuck I’m doing, and if you respected women you’d understand that.
4. Having an Extremely Small Penis. Microscopic even. It was like having sex with a four year old boy – except a four year old boy would at least wait until he was forced to go to bed before he started crying. That’s the other thing – all Chad McKilkers cry during and after sex and you only console them in the moment because you don’t know what you’re supposed to do. It’s fucking disgusting.
5. Knowing Your Wife Will Never Come Back. Chad McKilkers all have one thing totally in common – they think Sheryl is going to come back some day even though we know god damn well she’s fucking every personal trainer in Miami. I don’t even know why you’re waiting on that bitch – she doesn’t care about you, and any self-respecting adult would understand that and move on.
6. That Weird Boil On Your Neck. Can you just get that shit lanced? Just go to urgent care, it’s fucking disgusting. If you hadn’t left I would have broken up with you just because of that thing. It’s like a toxic blueberry and it makes your right earlobe stick out.
7. You’re Not As Good At Karaoke As You Think. Everyone named Chad McKilker prides themselves on their karaoke abilities as if that’s even something to be proud of. Guys what? If your name is Chad McKilker you fucking suck at karaoke and everyone is waiting for you to finish so we can go back to enjoying our Thursday.
8. No One Respects Your Favorite Movie. Jesus Christ if I have to listen to another Chad McKilker go on about Johnny Mneumonic I’m going to lose my fucking mind. Chad McKilkers all like shitty movies and act like babies when people don’t hear them out about it.
9. People Make Fun Of Your Scoliosis At My Job. When you came in to pick me up for lunch? Yeah. Everyone saw your fucked up spine. After you broke up with me we spent a good hour and half making fun of your deformed Jenga back. You look like a cartoon dropped a fucking piano on you. Maybe if you weren’t so poorly endowed, your balance wouldn’t be fucked up and you’d be able to stand up straight. I guess we’ll never know Chad. I hope you’re happy back at your mom’s house.