16 Replacement Names For The Washington Redskins

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As a Maryland native, I have been a Redskins fan my entire life. While change hurts me, as it reminds me of the atrophic nature of life, the slow, crushing passing of time, and the inevitability of my own death and my ultimate insignificance, I do understand that sometimes things need to change. Things like the name of the Washington Redskins, or my cavalier attitude towards taking quarters from those childhood leukemia donation popups.

It also hits close to home for me, guys. I’m actually Native American myself. On my mother’s side, I’m one sixteenth Suqqadiquoff Indian. Whenever I root for my beloved Redskins, a part of myself (one sixteenth exactly) dies and feels ashamed. I’m insulting my ancestors, who I love for some reason despite the fact that I hate my parents.

The thing about the r-slur is that it’s not about tradition. It’s not an innocuous homage to the natives, it’s just a racial slur, and it needs to go. I think we’re all aware of that. But in all the coverage I’ve seen, in every story I’ve read, there hasn’t been a single suggestion for a replacement name that isn’t utter shit.

The Washington Senators. The Washington Americans. The Renegades. All bullshit names. The problem here is that none of that shit is tough. In your efforts to tone down how offensive the name is to racial minorities, you’re forgetting that the name of the team should be offensive to opponents. This is football we’re talking about. The reason natives were chosen in the first place is because they’re screaming lunatics that would run into battle half naked on peyote. That shit is cool, and the name should reflect that level of violent insanity. The name of the team should strike fear into all those that hear it. It should be bad ass.

Here’s my list of fucking brutal as shit suggestions:

1. The Washington Racist Fuckers
2. Child Pussy Annihilators
3. The Washington Chainsaw Ass Rapists
4. Consent Removal Brigade
5. The Washington Prison-Rape AIDS Strains
6. The Illegal Scythe Mastectomies
7. The Tesla-Coil-For-A-Dick Skullfuckers
8. The Washington Lords of Auschwitz
9. Mengele’s Scalpels
10. The Washington Saexnatsis, The Norse Gods Of Rape Culture
11. The Pagan Fist Abortions
12. The Non-consensual Sword Penetrators
13. Hitler’s Favorite Slaves
14. The Satan’s Cock Going Into A Dead Retarded Man’s Mouth (And His Teeth Have Been Removed With Hammers)
15. Impaled Aborted Faggot Christ Fetus
16. The Washington 卐s TC mark

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