Guys, I know I’m just going to generate hate mail and threatening comments with this one, so let me just say this up front: I know karate and I will fuck you up if you even so much as look at me wrong. Also, my son Caleb is in jail for violence, and if you think he won’t defend me, you’re out of your god damn mind. So that being said, I will acknowledge that yes, this is definitely a hipstery thing to complain about but it’s something I actually care about and it’s really annoying.
Look, I was one of the first people to care about the missing Nigerian girls. I know that doesn’t make me an expert on the situation, nor does it mean I’m even informed, but it does make me more authentic in my empathy and social awareness. I was into that shit before anyone else was, and now all these posers are coming in and bogarting my cause. Can’t you just find your own tragedies to like? Can’t you have your own personality? It’s like you people just follow me around trying to deconstruct my identity and apply pieces of it to yourself. You’re a poser and it’s really gross and obnoxious. You’re the hipsters, not me.
It’s now at the point where I don’t even care about the missing girls anymore. Sure, I hope they get found or whatever, but I don’t really want to be seen raising awareness for something that’s on CNN. I mean gross, right? What’s next, liking Warped Tour bands? In fact, I’ve already got a new thing to be indignant about and I’m not going to tell you what it is, because you’ll copy it. Let’s just say it involves a state politician, rape culture, and colony collapse disorder: so yeah – it’s pretty fucking cool. I am blown away that no one seems to care about it, and normally I would be out there hashtagging and social activating in an effort to raise awareness, but that would sort of ruin the fun of being in on an issue before anyone else.
That is kind of the problem with these situations isn’t it? I felt the same way about Kony 2012. Remember Kony? I remember it vividly. I saw the action kits, I saw the stickers and t-shirts, and I said “wow this looks like a really cool thing that smart people like me care about.” And I’ll admit it – I ate that shit up and I thought it was super rad. You did, too. But, then what happened? Well, teens happened. The teens got involved and it suddenly stopped being cool to want to stop Kony. Then the guy that started the whole thing got caught raping his hand, and suddenly I’m left with this Kony action kit that I’m too ashamed to even carry to the garbage. It’s stuffed under my bed like an embarrassing sex toy.
The problem is that we do want people to care about important global issues, but we want them to do it in a way where they thank the original fans for pointing it out. We kind of need that, to be honest. It’s really not fair that people like me do all the heavy lifting online to get the ball rolling on these kinds of things, and then everyone else gets to step in and reap the benefits. All I’m asking for is a little gratitude – I just want someone to say, “Nicole, thanks for finding those girls. Thanks for being one of the few people that paid attention when it mattered.” But if I ask for that gratitude, suddenly I’m no longer a hero and I’m considered a hipster asshole? That’s bullshit.
So #nigeriangirls, I’m out. Enjoy your cause, guys. It was a really cool, authentic thing for a while and now it’s stale bread. Maybe my words will offer you a moment of clarity and you can stop trying to find missing girls and find yourself instead. Figure out something that you’re into for real. Try being a trendsetter for once – like me, social activist and hero Nicole Mullen.