Amidst controversy surrounding the botched execution of an Oklahoma inmate, and the secrecy surrounding the chemical composition and source of the drugs used in lethal injections, Utah has approved a controversial new method of execution for its death row inmates.
“Basically we put them into a room, and then we read Brian Gaar’s favstar,” said Utah Department of Corrections representative Till Bogman. “This is the first stage in a complicated and drawn out process that can sometimes last hours.”
There’s three steps to the execution. In the first stage, a medical coma is induced when the inmate is bored unconscious by Brian’s awful tweets. Once asleep, the “deep cuts” process begins.
“In stage two,” continued Bogman, “we find Brian’s less popular tweets that are excessively Mario-centric. Despite the unconscious state of the inmate, their brain is still capable of processing auditory input.”
The victim can still hear Gaar’s bad tweets, and in this second stage, they experience a critical level of cognitive dissonance. The fact that Brian is a grown man and a legitimate journalist doesn’t line up with the overwhelmingly autistic and childish tone of the tweets. The inmate will try to understand this on a subconscious level, but will only enter a state of deep existential rage, in which the reality of Brian’s garbage tweets become too much to bear.
“Their brain will literally short circuit,” said Bogman. “Every time they hear the word ‘Waluigi’, huge clusters of neurons die, and the brain begins to cook.”
At this point, the inmate, still unconscious, will grow flush and steam will shoot out of their ears. This is when the final stage begins.
“If we were to just continue reading off the bad tweets, the death would be slow and agonizing. After we observe the positive indicators of a neurological meltdown [the steam], we open the inmate’s eyes and show them how many favs and RT’s Brian’s shit tweets get,” said Bogman. “We tell them how many followers he has.”
At this point the inmate’s heart will explode and their brain will melt out of their ears. They often void their bowels and urinate simultaneously. The process, while horrific, is considered to be painless by proponents of the death penalty.
“Yeah I mean, I think it’s painless,” said Governor Herbert. “Who cares though, really?”
Obviously, due to the graphic nature of the execution, and its apparent cruelty, many on both sides of the legal system have expressed outrage.
Juanita Goldfarb, whose daughter Maria was murdered in 2009, would prefer the state found another method. “My daughter is dead,” she explains. “I’ll never see her again, and while I want justice, I certainly don’t want to hear Brian Gaar’s bad tweets.” Ironically, it was Gaar’s tweets that drove Hector Gonzales to kill Maria in the first place.
An inmate who asked to remain anonymous commented, “This is sick and depraved, and this is coming from someone who fucked an infant to death with a frozen turd.”