Think Piece Thursday: Hiking The Mountain Of Bullshit That’s The Minimum Wage Hike


Buckle up, shitheads. Nicole here. And it’s time for another installment in my incredibly popular Think Piece Thursday series. Every Thursday, I sit down with my fucking mind and I use it like a belt grinder on the buttery façade of the patriarchy and the white male comedian industrial complex. The ideas are raw, and the language is rough, but the dicks are hard and the pussies are wet. That’s the kind of rodeo I run here, and if you can’t take the heat, stay away from my syphilitic honeypot.

This week I want to do a little think job on the issue of income disparity and the problem of ‘insufficient’ wages for unskilled laborers. If you haven’t been paying attention to the news, fast food workers are striking across the nation in protest of unfair wages that, allegedly, don’t provide them with enough money to purchase basic necessities. They’re asking for a wage increase from 7.25 an hour, to at least the 10.10 that was suggested in Washington, or ideally all the way up to $15.

I hear all these complaints from these people, and the first thing that pops into my head is: whoa, check your privilege, burgerbros. The thing is, fellas, we already have a minimum wage in America: it’s called being a woman. Wow. Think about that for a second.

Did you guys just hear that whoosh and pop? It was the sound of your mind being blown. But not the good kind of blown where you cum – the bad kind of blown, where nobody cums and nothing sucks – except reality. It sucks and it bites. And instead of being able to roll over and go to sleep, the blowing of your mind isn’t something you can thank someone for and move on from. While I do deserve to be thanked, you still have to listen to me. I’m still going to make my voice heard until the problem is resolved.

People need to understand that while a McDonald’s worker is making 7.25 an hour, a woman like me is only making 73% of that blogging online and using her mind to think. Doesn’t that bother anyone else? Don’t you guys see how fucked the world truly is when someone who doesn’t know how to do anything can make enough money to put a roof over their head, yet someone like me – who actually changes the world and provides people with intelligent ideas and opinions – only makes about 40 thousand a year as a blogger, on top of the 60 a year I make as a teacher? Ideas and think pieces aren’t burgers, people. There’s no fries that come with my blogs. This isn’t a goddamn milkshake – but my thoughts do bring all the boys to the yard. And they’re like, wow your ideas are better than ours. You’re damn right, they’re better than yours. I can teach you, but I’ll have to charge.

But I can’t charge enough, because I’m not a man. And guess who isn’t going to swoop in and save me from poverty with silly “laws” that say I deserve more than I earn? The Man, that’s who. The capital M man. The government.

While being a woman means that I will never make as much money as a man, it does mean that I am a victim, and being a victim provides you with an insight and a superiority over anyone that is never allowed to be a victim. My wealth of experiences inform my ability to critically think about the world and understand seemingly benign things as problematic and gross. If it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t be able to blog, and if I wasn’t able to blog, I’d just be another schmuck working at McDonald’s.

That’s how you know these people are making enough money. If they weren’t making enough, they’d become victims, and then they’d have the ability to showcase that victim hood via social media, and they’d be on the fast track to monetizing their struggle.

If you’re really ‘struggling,’ McDonald’s employees – tell me, why aren’t there entire media companies devoted to your status as a victimized class? Why aren’t there giant websites with huge readerships and advertising revenue that you can go to read and subsequently bitch about your victimhood and your lack of representation? Oh what’s that? You’re too busy working at McDonald’s to bitch about your problems? Well guess what: an unblogged problem isn’t a problem. It’s just you being a crybaby and not understanding your privilege.

People who are really struggling don’t organize protests and lobby for change on the street. They sit online all day and look at things they want to buy while upvoting comments they agree with. They blog. They have a voice. They’re parents and teachers and they’re heroes. They’re people like me, Nicole Mullen, champion of intellect and the blogosphere.

So, sorry McDonald’s workers – you can fuck off with your wage hike – I’ll be here using the WiFi and getting free refills all day long if you can think of something to actually complain about. Also I clogged the toilet so you should probably send someone in there to fix that. I didn’t flush. TC mark


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