I Only Dislike Gays When I’m Being A Mom

Among progressives like myself, a lot of infighting occurred this week over the issue of Michael Sam gay kissing his nameless boyfriend – a white man who looks like a terrified silent film star – on cable television. Despite the obvious issue of yet another white man being represented in the media (gross and bad) there’s the problem of whether or not being gay has gone too far.

As the original racist Donald (Trump) pointed out, Michael Sam seems to be applauded for his homosexuality whereas Tim Tebow was derided and mocked for his Christianity. There’s a clear double standard here, and that double standard is worrying and problematic. Why is it okay for two men to love each other, but it’s not okay for a man to love an invisible man who will return one day to kill all of the men who love the wrong men? Would it have been better if Tebow held up a picture of Jesus and kissed it passionately, rubbed its crotch, and whispered sweet nothings into its ear? Should Tebow have hired a male stripper to play Jesus and sucked him off while reading the bible? Are there pictures of that kind of stuff online? Where can I download them?

I want to make it clear that, personally, I have no problem with homosexuality. I think it’s perfectly fine and normal, and by no means does it disgust me and make me uncomfortable. I don’t advocate the mass extermination of homosexuals, and I don’t want to drag them out of their homes into the streets, where they will be drawn and quartered, and their eviscerated bodies put on display to warn future homosexuals about the consequences of their actions. I don’t want any of that, but I do have a problem with homosexuals being shown on my television – and more to the point, I have a problem with homosexuality being forced down my throat, over and over again, tearing up my esophagus like the naughty face-anus that it is, just begging to be fucked raw by daddy. I have a problem with being exposed to things that don’t make me angry.

Make no mistake about it – homosexuality most certainly is being forced upon us. Sure, you would think I could simply change the channel even if I really was bothered by a gay kiss – which I’m not by the way. But, I can’t. You see, I have to watch football. I don’t really like it, but I have to pretend to like it because that’s what makes me a cool girl. That’s what keeps Ron living in my condo, helping out with the rent, and acting as a father figure to my retarded son Mason. If I didn’t drink beer and cheer for the good teams, Ron would see me for what I am – just another dumb bitch like all the other dumb bitches he’s dated, and I would be alone once again with my demons. My son Mason would also be alone, with my demons, and they’re worse for him because he’s the one that ends up with the cigarette burns.

That’s really the core of my objections here. It’s not really about my views toward homosexuality – after all, I find it to be an okay thing that, again, I have no problem with. I’m just saying that maybe we shouldn’t be exposing children to it. Not because it’s bad – but for some other reason. What if Mason sees two men kissing, and suddenly he thinks it’s okay to go out and murder animals or shoplift? What if Mason is confused by men kissing each other, chokes on a button, and dies? What if they televised Michael Sam’s gay kiss, and suddenly a plane crashed into the White House, killed the president, and Biden became president, and he made a law saying everyone has to be gay, and we were so caught up with grief that we agreed, and now we all have to be gay, and we’re enslaved by the real gays and tied down and fucked – our teeth bashed out so that we can’t bite down, and we live in a gay prison dystopia like the good seasons of Oz but no one is as hot as Christopher Meloni and we all have to suck the Nazi’s dick? What if all of that happens? That’s a possibility right?

I guess I’m just humbly asking that the homosexuals put their agenda aside for one second and think about the children. Do we really want to live in a world where kids don’t grow up with at least some sense of latent homophobia? Do we really want to expose them to things that we don’t have a problem with? Again, I don’t have a problem with homosexuals, but what if my son does? It’s not my job as a parent to explain things to him. I’m just supposed to feed and clothe him and even then that’s sort of pushing it. Keep the gays off the television, and I’ll keep the cigarettes off my son’s arm.