How To Be A Kirk Cameron Polemic

Fireproof
Fireproof

Look guys, nowadays I believe the fuck out of God and the bible, but I’ll admit, I didn’t always. That’s right: I used to be an atheist.

That was until just recently, actually, when I got into an argument with a friend of mine about evolution – the scientific theory that all life was slowly developed through natural selection. My friend is a creationist and believes that God is responsible for a lot more on earth than we think. To prove his point, he sat me down and showed me an enlightening video starring Kirk Cameron called, The Way of The Master.

I was floored. Cameron’s ability to take science and slap it right across its nerd face with a blend of dismissive sophistry and an Australian sidekick are unmatched. He points out seemingly mundane things in the world around us, and shows us how science simply has no explanation for how they work, or why they look the way they do.

His argument, and my belief in God, were thoroughly clinched with his explanation of bananas. That’s right – your everyday banana can be used as evidence that not only is God real, but he also spent significant R&D time on the banana. As Kirk points out, bananas have five ridges on them, just like the inside of a human hand. Wow. Is your mind blown? Mine was. How could this be possible if evolution was real? I mean, excuse me scientists, but are we supposed to believe that the banana “evolved” to have five ridges by chance? Of course not. It has five ridges because God is real and he made bananas easier to hold for eating purposes. He made them so we’d have something to safely consume while we drive to work.

I immediately went out and repeated the argument to anyone that would listen. Have you seen this banana thing? It means God is real. I’d show them and they’d shake their heads and I’d call them idiots and sinners for not comprehending that they’re now the ones operating on “blind faith.” But it’s blind faith in science instead of God. I’m presenting you with rock hard evidence of a supreme being and you’re scoffing at it because you’d rather suck Bill Nye’s dick than realize the awesome power of the Lord And Savior Jesus H. Christ Almighty: Steve Jobs Of Ergonomic Fruit.

Now I can’t help myself. Once the truth of God has been shown to you, you start seeing the world as a Kirk Cameron polemicist. You start taking the little things around you, and realizing how God reveals himself through stuff like pencil sharpeners and the shape of deer feces.

Just today, I thought of a new argument. It’s spring now, and the bees are back out. Think about bees for a second. We’re supposed to believe that evolution created a type of bug that just makes candy for people? Where’s the “scientific” explanation for that? How does it benefit the bee’s survival to make candy that humans and bears love to steal? If honey tasted like shit we’d stop stealing it. It’s because God made bees so we would have candy.

Think about bears, too – they hibernate. Why is that? Why do they sleep for the entirety of winter? Then it dawns on you – there’s no honey to steal in the winter. Normally an animal wouldn’t be capable of sleeping all winter long, but God steps in and makes it okay for the bear because there’s no honey around and the bear serves no purpose. That’s the power of God, folks.

Winter’s a great thing to analyze with your Christian brain powers as well. Snowflakes, people? No two snowflakes are the same. Why? Because God. And if it didn’t snow – just why the hell would Santa need a sleigh to leave the North Pole? He would take a plane or maybe a car.

Cars are another great example. Every day we go to the gas station, fill up our automobiles, and just expect the car to work. But does anyone actually know how cars work? Not really. You know what’s really under the hood? It’s God – but as soon as you open the hood he disappears. It’s like the little light in the refrigerator. Is it always on or what? Who knows?

Why do owls kind of look like cats? Why do men have nipples? What’s up with kangaroo pouches – is it like also the kangaroo’s pussy or what? Will a banana fit in the pouch?

What happened to the little tables that used to come on pizzas?

Hot air balloons? Come on, people.

Peanut…. Butter? Hmm. Yeah right.

You see – God reveals himself in many different ways, and once you harness the power of Kirk Cameron polemics you start to understand that everything that happens can be explained with God.

Think about this: most Christian nations don’t speak English. Even notice that? This is by design. It’s so we can define every foreign word as blasphemous speech and condemn those people to hell.

Ever notice how humans tend to form lines at stores? Kind of like a long snake? This isn’t a coincidence, guys. We do it because we’re subconsciously aware of the symbolic nature of the snake-like queue. In Eden, there were no lines. That was, of course, until the serpent led us down the path of temptation. Every line we wait in today is a reminder of the inherently sinister nature of consumerism. When you get in line behind someone at a store, you’re just sending a message to God that says, “I am sin. I have become sin and its sum is dependent on my part.”

So go out there, folks. Go out there and show these sinners that you don’t need to be a scientist to have a flimsy explanation for how things work. You just need a smug attitude, indignation, and an Australian guy that backs up everything you say. That’s the power of God. That’s the power of Kirk Cameron. TC mark

Related

More From Thought Catalog