Every year at the beginning of May, fat pasty nerds from all across the spectrum gather online to celebrate their favorite children’s movie that they take too seriously. May fourth is officially Star Wars day – and no, it’s not an opportunity to get fucked up with your friends and pretend to have an interest in a movie you are not obsessed with. It’s a day of reverence and respect, and every year, more and more hot people come barging into our safe space and try to make it about them. Pay attention hot people: this is not the holiday you are looking for.
Without fail, every May fourth there’s a scourge of hot people coming around, dressing up as Jar-Jar, and offering a Vulcan salute as they misquote Vader. Just. Fucking. Stop.
Let’s face it: when a hot person does a Jar-Jar Binks impression, it’s basically black face. They don’t understand or appreciate Gungan culture. And no – that’s not some hip Korean dance. It’s a race of aquatic people that fear outsiders and fat-accept their obese king. If all you know about Jar-Jar is his Gullah creole, then you’re not really doing a Jar-Jar impression are you? No, you’re just mocking black people – which is absolutely not what George Lucas intended when he birthed one of the most culturally complex races of aliens known to sci-fi. Meesa so angry. Meesa have to lay down.
“I love the robot sidekicks!”
Ugh! Look you silly cunt, C-3PO and R2-D2 are not “robots.” They’re droids – a word you are probably only know to mean “the shittier iPhone that’s for poor people.” Well, guess what? You’re a racist. Not only is the droid better because it’s open source, it’s also a sentient automaton that’s capable of human-like emotions. Look at the way the human characters interact with the droids. R2-D2 is always cracking jokes. Everyone thinks he’s hilarious. Robots are incapable of joking around, whereas droids cut up all the time. And is there any doubt that C-3PO is a homosexual? Robots can’t be gay. Droids can. Go ahead and call them robots one more time you fucking homophobe.
Star Wars Day is not just “Nerd Independence Day.” It’s way more complicated than that. Sure, there are overlapping elements with the fourth of July, but we’re celebrating the Republic’s independence from the Empire. It’s not about a bunch of white dudes who stole land from the Native Americans and got mad about a stamp tax. Last time I checked, the British didn’t create a planet sized space station capable of destroying Alderaan – they just charged too much for tea. Simplifying the battle of Yavin by calling it Nerd Fourth of July is reductive and disrespectful to the men and woman who gave their lives to protect galactic freedom and representative democracy. I’d like to see you call Captain Wedge Antilles a nerd to his face. Hah, just try it. He’d smoke you like a womp rat and teach you a valuable lesson in history from far away.
Look hot people, I get it. You think it’s hip and exotic to appropriate Star Wars Day and pretend to be a nerd. But when you do that, you’re disrespecting huge swaths of the global population that have nothing to live for outside of a 30 year old movie for babies – people without social or economic power who need to believe in a pretend world where you can move things with your mind because they are physically incapable of changing anything in their lives. You don’t need anyone to wish the force upon you because you already have the force of being hot. Which, like the dark side, is incredibly powerful and the antithesis of everything Star Wars Day stands for. Do everyone a favor and fall into a Sarlacc and suffer the pain of slow digestion over the next 1000 years.