Well, guys, here it is. Here’s what you’ve been waiting for – the Nicole Mullen take on the Elliot Rodgers situation. I want to first and foremost apologize to all my fans for sitting on my hands for the last two days and not offering my unique perspective immediately. To be honest, it wasn’t my own hands I was sitting on so much as I was sitting on my son’s Mason’s hands – literally – because that’s the only way to calm him down when he’s having one of his temper tantrums about Pokemon. So, that being said, I aware I’m a little late to the party, but I’ve decided to just pull the trigger and get my important thoughts out there.
Others have already been quick to highlight that whenever these shootings happen we focus on the wrong person. Can we stop making this about the shooter? Let’s stop making this tragedy about the killer, and let’s focus our attention on who is really important here – me. The collective me; us. The important opinion-havers of the digital age, the brain thinkers of the blogosphere.
One of the most difficult things to process after one of these massacres is that all of the best hot-takes are already taken. I saw the news, and like everyone else, I hopped online and started whipping up a think piece about the intersection of gender, second amendment rights, race, and an increasingly narcissistic culture that breeds these violent psychopaths. But, to my dismay, I didn’t have a single original thought. In fact, most of what I wrote I just copy pasted from my Sandy Hook Pinterest board. I felt like a fraud. I felt worthless, and that’s fucked up, because I’m an important person with an internet connection.
So, how do we shift the attention to ourselves if no one should be listening to us in the first place? The trick is going even deeper into supposition, my friends. It’s about developing really far-fetched ideas, and presenting them as if they were rational arguments. Remember guys, it’s not about the truth, it’s about how many people share your content. So, I’ve put together this list of the best, ORIGINAL, reactions to the UCSB shooting. Enjoy and praise me.
1. Everyone Who Drives a BMW Is An Asshole
A lot of people forgot to point out that Rodgers drove a BMW – a Nazi designed automobile for assholes. Sure, so far only one BMW driver has gone on a shooting rampage, but isn’t one enough? Why don’t we have a conversation about the entitlement of the luxury automobile community? Why aren’t we talking about wealthy Americans spending money on imports instead of pumping that back into the economy? Think about it.
2. This Is The Fault Of Affirmative Action
If things were still like they were in the good ole days, Elliot would have been surrounded by other white men and he would have never been exposed to the women that he hated. He would have joined a fraternity and had the Asperger’s bullied out of him by a fully functional patriarchy that didn’t experience mass shootings. Is this thinking regressive and unfair? Sure, but what price are you willing to pay for equality? Let’s pin the blame on everyone but Elliot.
3. Background Checks Should Include Google
I think anyone who wants to have a gun should be able to have one if they pass a background check. It is our constitutional right, after all. But we should do a little bit more research than just running someone’s name through a criminal database. That shit takes a while and it’s inefficient. A quick google search of this shithead would have given you reason enough to not only bar him from gun ownership, but to have his index fingers removed just to be safe.
4. This Is Another Reason Not To Go To College
College is quickly becoming less of a sure-thing and more of a risky investment. You’re signing yourself up for a lifetime of debt, and if you don’t choose your major wisely, an education can easily become a mistake. Factor in another four years of potential school shootings and it’s looking more and more like a bad idea. Skip college, get a blog, and give the world your two cents, not eighty thousand dollars in inescapable debt.
5. We Deserve It For Appropriating The Name Santa Barbara From The Mexicans
It’s important to remember that UCSB is a campus that exists on land stolen from the native Spaniards that stole it rightfully from the Native Americans who originally inhabited it. If white Europeans hadn’t stolen property from swarthier Europeans who had already stolen it themselves, this never would have happened.
6. Manifesto Is Too Cool Of A Word
A big problem with these cases is the media ends up unintentionally glorifying the shooter by profiling him as a complex and troubled individual. Some of that attention can’t be avoided – his motivations and his mental state are big contributing factors, if not the only contributing factors, in causing these tragedies. But, can we at least change the language? Why does his butthurt feelings diary get to be called a manifesto? That sounds way too cool and intelligent for what it is. Have you read any of it? It’s fucking pathetic. We should treat it like we found his journal in his locker and we’re reading it out loud in the cafeteria to humiliate him.
7. Forget The Parents; Let’s Blame the GRAND Parents
Sure, the parents are to blame. All of the parents. But we know that already. If Elliot had better parents that didn’t teach him that it was okay to murder people, this wouldn’t have happened. But, is it really the parent’s fault? Where are the parents of these parents? We live in a society where young people are taught that it’s okay to teach their own kids that it’s okay to murder. Where’s the accountability, Grandma? I’ve got some questions.
8. 140 Pages? Are You Kidding Me?
Maybe if Elliot had learned to kill his darlings he wouldn’t have had to kill everyone else’s. Edit, edit, edit, my friend. The entire thing could have been cut down to this: “I’m a loser and nobody likes me.” Maybe you could have just tweeted that and moved on with your life, Elliot? Maybe nobody liked you because you were a longwinded crybaby. We have to teach these kids that life is short and no one has time for 140 pages.
9. They Shouldn’t Have Cancelled Community
I liked that show a lot.