Hey guys. So I recently got into an argument with a friend of mine over the topic of France, it’s shittiness, and the shittiness of its people. She seems to think that France is a cool place with good cheese and long bread. She thinks it’s nothing but bicycle rides and little mustaches – a place where you can dress like a mime and people won’t think you’re some kind of sex criminal – a place where love is in the air. Well folks, it’s not love, it’s the smell of bullshit. France is garbage.
1. The French Revolution
Over the ten year duration of the French Revolution, hundreds of thousands of people died. While other historical wars have claimed many many more lives, it’s important to remember that this was a war France fought with itself. I’d say a hundred thousand deaths is a fucking loss – and while everyone loses wars here and there, you know how much of a bullshit pussy country you have to be to lose a war with your fucking self? I can tell you exactly how pussy you have to be: you have to be France level pussy.
2. The Eiffel Tower
No one has an answer for what the Eiffel tower is supposed to be. It doesn’t do anything. You can’t live in it. It looks stupid, and it’s not impressive. Here in America we have good buildings that house offices and people. The best shit France ever made was the statue of liberty and they gave it to us because they didn’t want their people to know how shitty they were at building things. I’ll have to look it up again but I’m pretty sure its in one of those Ken Burn’s documentaries – but when France built the Statue of Liberty, they sawed off the pussy and used it to make the Eiffel tower.
3. They Love To Eat Shit That Smells Like Feet
The only way to make French cuisine palatable to the majority of the American population was to present it in a cartoon where the food is prepared by a rat. Not any rat either, a rat voiced by an obese comedian who does jokes about KFC. All French food is disgusting and for some reason people are repeatedly duped into enjoying it because it costs too much and it’s hard to pronounce. I’m pretty sure the French invented cheese, too, which is just milk that someone left out for too long.
4. They Supported 9/11
After the terrorist attacks on 9/11, all of the NATO nations united to end global terrorism. All except one – France. France, due to their fear of conflict, voiced their public support for Al Qaeda and decided it would be better to just let the 9/11 attacks slide. That’s why we had to rename French fries – it was the only thing we could possibly take away from them – the name of a side dish.
5. They Can’t Pronounce Their Own Words
Language developed as a matter of necessity. Human beings needed to communicate with each other, and after the utilitarian needs of a language were met, it gave way to more artistic uses. France seemed to circumvent the development stage where you figure out what sounds letters make and jumped right to shitty poetry and words that end with x. Every single word has at least like four letters that you aren’t supposed to pronounce. Is that supposed to be cool? Well guess what, it’s not. It’s wasteful, and as an American that has to work hard for everything she has, I’m pronouncing all those letters and I’m going to be grateful for each one.
Honestly, it baffles me that anyone would want to sit on a toilet that uses their piss to have sex with their ass. Is toilet paper really that fucking complicated? You want a god damn jet stream of piss-water blown up your ass like you’re riding on Shamu’s blow hole? It would be almost better if it was just a dildo that came out of the fucking thing – a cock would at least be masculine, not a delicate kiss from water. I feel like that’s how we should redefine “French Kiss” – having water lovingly pissed into your asshole by your stupid toilet.