Okay guys. We have to talk. It seems as if our precious Thought Catalog is starting to come apart at the seams, and I have to be completely up front with you: that really scares me.
Look, I don’t like silencing people or the idea of exclusion, but we need to make one thing clear: Thought Catalog is supposed to be a safe space for women. This is a place for (mostly white) women to come and discover themselves. It’s a place for (white) women to vex about their existential frustrations. And above all, it’s a place for (predominantly white) women to figure out what city they live in based on lists that they can relate to.
Simply put: Thought Catalog is a safe space for women. Men need to get out.
While I do understand that I’m being a bit harsh, I don’t want to see you to the door without some guidance. So, I’ve provided this list of safe spaces for white men:
The Rest of The Internet
When a woman types anything online, a computer signal is sent out to everyone connected at that moment, and they are instructed to send her death and rape threats. While that might not be a scientific fact that can be backed up with evidence, it certainly feels that way. Men don’t have that problem.
A man can literally type whatever he wants and no one can criticize him or the conversation immediately becomes an issue of first amendment rights. To call out a man for writing something unpopular online is to foster a culture of censorship, and to send rape threats to a woman online is an indication of a real intent to commit a crime. Internet? Safe space for white men.
Could there be any safer space for white men? It’s white, and there’s a man inside of it. Not to mention, not a single minority or woman has ever stepped foot on its surface. It’s basically a giant white man’s ass, literally mooning the Earth every night, in defiance of feminism and tidal equilibriums. With its acne-like pock marks and its robust shape, all the moon is missing is a neck beard and a fedora and I guarantee you it would start telling everyone that the Earth revolves around it, rather than vice versa.
Inside Of A Doorless Jeep Wrangler
While not a safe space in the physical sense, with its lack of seatbelts, plastic windshields, vinyl siding, and it’s missing doors, the Jeep Wrangler is most certainly a safe space for white men. The Wrangler traces its origins to the Willy’s C7 Jeep, the iconic war-horse of the allied forces of World War 2. The original band of bro’s mobile, the Jeep has brought white men to and from the battlefield as many times as it’s brought them to Dave Matthews Band concerts.
Billy Zane’s Tuxedo In Titanic
Over a thousand people perished on April 14th, 1912, when the RMS Titanic struck and ice berg, the bro of the sea, and sunk to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. We’ve all heard the story, and more importantly, we’ve all seen the incredibly accurate historical drama Titanic, which documents the actual events with a watchmaker’s precision. The Titanic’s dearth of life boats was one of the most critical factors that led to so many deaths in the tragedy. Had there been enough boats, many more could have been saved. But, boats aside, is there any doubt that the safest place on that vessel was not the interior of Billy Zane’s tuxedo? The suit itself, simply fine fabrics, provides scant protection – but the suit is little more than a metaphor – a heraldic signifier of class-based, old-money white privilege. The suit provides the wearer with the moral impunity to kidnap a little girl and use her to find your safety, at the expense of other human beings. When you’re rich – not just financially, but culturally and historically – your tuxedo is your lifeboat. Your tuxedo is your safe space.
The Top Of That Steam Powered Spider In Wild Wild West
Granted, Will Smith destroys the thing at the end, but holy shit, can you imagine being a slavery advocate in 1800s America that lived atop a giant steam powered spider? Literally no one could fuck with you or your awful opinions. That thing was such a safe space that they guy who owned it got away with saying the n-word for years and he didn’t even have fucking legs! No one dared bothered him because they all knew about his giant steam powered spider. If there was some way to play lacrosse on the top of that thing, we’d never see another white man again.
Buffalo Wild Wings
Any bar with a TV tuned to ESPN is most definitely a safe space for white men, but what if instead of one TV, there were literally a million fucking televisions? What if every sport that has ever been played, was suddenly playing while you navigated the difficult decision of teriyaki garlic or spicy chipotle sauce? What if beer and high fives flowed like honey and wine, and wine was not served because it was gay, and honey only came in the form of barbecue sauce? You would be at Buffalo Wild Wings, quite possibly the whitest safe space for white men that could possibly ever exist.