It’s Time To Round Up And Gas The Chinese, And Cancel Colbert

Yesterday, conservative pundit and well-renowned journalist Stephen Colbert exposed himself as the giant fraud that he is. Apparently, this entire time, his views were disingenuous. Apparently, his entire show, and his personality, were an act of satire.

I was flabbergasted. I had been a fan of Colbert for years, taking his word as almost gospel, and now I find out that this entire time, I’ve been the target of his ridicule.

He was forced to out himself after his hilarious tweet about a sensitivity program for oversensitive Asian people went viral. Obviously, the tweet was just a joke, and the real targets of the bit are the Native Americans who continue to be sore losers about Custer’s War, and can’t accept that we’re going to name our sports teams after them. The joke is saying, hey wind-talkers, calm down. Meanwhile, he’s roping the Chinese into it as well, because it’s funny to make fun of Chinese people, who I believe we should gather up and exterminate. It’s actually a really smart, great bit.

Of course, the Chinese were offended, and they attacked Stephen in droves. My first reaction was to support Stephen, and point out to these people that you can’t be mad about something if it’s a joke. But my support dried up as soon as Colbert opened his big fat lying mouth.

Stephen and Comedy Central copped to the ruse: it wasn’t just the tweet that was a joke — it’s all a joke. The target of the bit wasn’t the Native Americans and the Chinese who we should imprison and summarily execute. He was actually making fun of Dan Snyder and conservatives.

That’s not cool, y’all.

Conservatives like myself and Michelle Malkin were quick to take him to task. I really don’t understand how it’s 2014 and people think it’s somehow acceptable to mock half the population of the United States on a public forum like cable television. You have a right to free speech. You don’t have a right to a livelihood or an ability to exercise that speech as an artist or an entertainer. His entire ‘act’ is one of mockery and oppression, and that makes him almost as bad as the Chinese, who we should put into camps and systematically eliminate from the gene pool.

The problem with satire is that some people won’t get it. They’ll take it seriously and think it’s okay to be bigoted or wrong in their thinking. Take me for example. Until I started watching Colbert Report, I found the Chinese to be a kind, polite, albeit mysterious and conniving group of people who I didn’t have much of a problem with in particular. Through the show’s inarticulate satire however, I received the message that we should allocate an area in the desert to incinerate them en masse, due to their status as Dragon worshipping currency manipulators.

Even now that the joke has been explained to me, and I understand that I probably shouldn’t want to genocide the Chinese, I still want all of them dead. Why? Because I don’t like changing my mind too many times, and I don’t like taking things in context. It ruins my credibility, and it hurts my brain.

We need to cancel the Colbert Report. We need to make sure that shows like this can’t exist. Progress is about eliminating any chance of someone misconstruing the intentions of something. Progress is about sanitizing all dialog of any traces of anything that can be inferred as offensive. Progress is about figuring out the resonant frequency of Chinese people’s skulls, and creating fleets of trucks outfitted with large stereo systems that play tones generated to crack their heads open to allow us easier access to their ancient secrets.