Should Gay Athletes Be Allowed To Turn All The Other Athletes Gay?

sling@flickr
sling@flickr

The number one problem with allowing homosexuals in professional sports is that they will inevitably make all the other players gay by sharing water fountains and locker rooms.

Homosexuality isn’t a choice, it’s a condition that one catches by wearing certain clothes or by going to brunch too many times. It’s hard wired into our DNA–when we have too many bottomless mimosas or engage in fabulous behavior, our cells react to the abhorrent decadence society has reached, and we’re rewired to reject procreation and heterosexual relationships. But bottomless mimosas only work if scarcity isn’t taken into consideration. If we have too many people, we run out of mimosas. New York is feeling the effects of this right now, despite the efforts of their significant gay population to make everyone else gay, and mitigate the damage of overpopulation.

The superior power of population cannot be checked without ruining brunch and running out of cantaloupe. Thomas Malthus, Peak Cantaloupe

It’s truthful to say that in times of limited resources, homosexuality is a good thing. At first glance, I’m totally in support of homosexuals being allowed to turn all the other athletes, as well as most of the population, gay. There would be more resources for homosexuals and infertile women like myself, we can all go to brunch, and the bottomless mimosas will flow like honey and wine. But, athletes are a special class of individuals, and they transcend the definition of “human” and cross over into being commodities. The community of professional athletes are not the people we want limited. In a way, they are almost as important as the mimosas themselves.

If you look at professional athletes not as human beings, but as products to be consumed, it becomes terribly apparent how crucial it is that we protect them from homosexuality.

Athletes are at a much higher risk of contracting homosexuality than the general population. While it may seem ludicrous that one could simply become gay by sharing a locker room with a homosexual, we forget that most of us are disgusting, skinny-fat pale bodies with the muscular definition of a bowl of oatmeal. When I catch a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror after stepping out of the tub, it looks like someone fucked up poaching an egg. What I’m saying is–most people are unfuckable. This is not true for professional athletes. With their immaculate bodies and hyper-aggressive disposition, professional athletes push the boundaries of fuckability to astronomical levels.

At any given moment, an NFL locker room is a cunt hair away from exploding into the hottest gay orgy anyone has ever seen or imagined in detail. The addition of an openly homosexual athlete will create an event that physicists refer to as “critical ass.” All of the soap will hit the floor at once, positions will be assumed, and a chain reaction of gay sex will almost instantaneously consume the entire team.

We’ve made huge strides with performance enhancing drugs, but until we have the ability to clone our nation’s superstars, we still have rely on conventional methods of reproduction. If all of our athletes are gay, where is the incentive for them to go out and rape young women and suppress evidence with financial power? As long as we keep our athletes straight and abortion illegal under any circumstances, the upward trajectory of athletic ability that we’ve enjoyed over the last century is bound to continue. We keep our football, and we keep our mimosas.

It’s simply a matter of economic necessity. Professional sports generate a lot of money and stimulate the economy. The issue here is clear: we need less gay athletes but more gays in general. So how exactly do we do that? Simple: you force the straight athletes to play nude. All we have to do is fill stadiums with straight people and subject them to several hours of hot men inches away from penetrating each other, and presto-change-o we’ve got enough mimosas for everybody.

Some might argue that being exposed to blatantly, even admitted, homosexual acts wouldn’t be enough to convert a population to homosexuality en masse, and that the way the game is played now is already pretty homoerotic in and of itself. To those people I say: You really don’t understand how homosexuality works, do you? TC mark

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