Is Anyone Else Mad That Poop Is Brown?

When I was a little girl growing up in the late 1970s in Babiyar, Maryland, it was pretty much common knowledge among my friends that black people’s poop was white. We’d sit and talk about it in the girls’ bathroom, whispering and passing notes through the little half-dollar-sized hole that Mr. Woodruff had cut out in the wall.

“Hey Nicole, you know black people poop white, right?”
“Jeez, Barbara. I know that!” I would reply, afraid to let my ignorance slip through my precocious façade.

When you’re a kid, you take things like that as passive gospel. It’s filed away in your mind as a quiet but inexorable fact, and it’s such a logical idea that it stays there forever, unchallenged and still, like an old can of soup in the cupboard that’s not technically expired but you wouldn’t eat.

That’s how it was for me, until I recently took a class at my community college and found out that this whole time, I have been wrong. Black people do not, and have not ever, pooped white. Whereas white people, almost always, poop brown.

All I have to say is: What. The. Fuck. Are we for real with this?

I’m so fucking mad about it that I am literally shaking. Every single brown poop that white people take is a microaggression. Every single non-white poop that black people take is a step back towards slavery. And you know what the worst part is? We don’t even really have a solution to all of this.

You see, one of the biggest struggles in critical race theory right now is figuring out if black people should be pooping white or if white people should stop pooping brown. While interracial pooping is great for familiarizing people with other hues of individuals, it also can be divisive. Unfortunately, we still live in a society that poop shames. It’s still seen as a bad thing to like to poop and to wear diapers. Until we resolve the issue of poop shaming and fully accept fecal matter is a beautiful and respectable part of our bodies, there’s always going to be that negative association – we’ll always see poop as something inherently bad and dirty. This is where the problem is introduced, as people will learn to hate their poop. Blacks who poop white will hate their white poop, and subsequently hate white people, and vice versa for white people who poop brown.

The alternative is to introduce a way for white people to stop pooping brown, and make sure that everyone’s poop-color aligns with their race. White people poop white, brown people poop brown, everyone is happy. Or are they? The trade off with this solution is that it encourages segregation. When we finally do put a stop to the poop shaming, and people learn to accept and love poop, we’ll have a poop-segregated society. What do we do then if we have black people who want to poop white or white people who want to poop brown? Do we tell them no, they aren’t allowed to experience the poop of other cultures? This leads us right back to the problem of racially divisive attitudes.

Some scholars have even proposed using science and burritos to create a type of multicolored poop, and allow both brown and white people to poop something that resembles a yin-yang symbol, but this is offensive to Asians, who are clearly the master race, as they do not poop at all, only pee.

All I know is that we need to find a solution to this problem, and we need to do it now. We can’t keep pooping like this. We can’t wait for another generation to handle this for us, we need to get online and come up with as many hashtags as possible. We need to start change.org petitions and tweet at food manufacturers asking them why they are blatantly supporting racist poops. We need to write letters to employers of people who question whether or not any of this matters so we can get them fired. We need to Change-The-Way-We-Poop. We need to wipe out America’s poop problem.