You’re cold. You’re wet. You’re working your ass off to make it in the big city. You’re hungry as hell, and you know you can’t splurge on that $30 dinner because you need to pay your exorbitant rent. Besides, you know you’re just going to throw it up later anyways. So what do you do? You listen to Nicole, that’s what you do.
I want to make it clear before I go any further that this article is not meant for teens or children. This is specifically for adults who need bulimia to look good. I am not advocating for teen bulimia, despite the fact that I started purging when I was a freshman in high school. Well, technically I was a freshman – I repeated the grade several times so it’s not like I was super young, I was seventeen (I had titties, I had been shaving my pussy for a while, etc). To this day, that first time sticking my finger down my throat remains one of the biggest regrets of my life. I was seventeen! My body was amazing, everyone wanted to fuck me, and I could have simply just ate less and worked out more to be a little closer to perfection, instead of just cheating with bulimia.
You see, bulimia is for girls what steroids are for guys. It’s sort of the last step in fitness and body improvement. You have to get into really good shape with diet and exercise first, and once you’ve reached your genetic potential with traditional methods, THEN you start juicing or purging. When a teenager is throwing up their meals or using d-bol, they are setting themselves up for failure later in life, because it’s already so easy for them to look good. When they get older, they won’t have steroids or bulimia to turn to. At that point people usually give up and just decide to be fat, which is disgusting and wrong. That’s why it’s really important to pull these kids aside and say, hey, look, I know it’s really cool and all your favorite celebrities are doing it, but they are ADULTS. Wait a couple of years until your body fully develops, and then you can throw up and juice as much as you want. They’ll thank us for it, trust me.
So, now that that’s out of the way. Let’s get down to business. You’re still hungry, and that trigger finger is itching to flick that uvula around like a swollen clit. I’ve got a lot of methods for eating and throwing up for cheap, but these are the best of the bunch.
Dollar slice pizza.
This shit is the fucking bomb and for only seventy five cents more you can get it with a diet coke, which all bulimics know is like the poor man’s ipecac. The grease helps coat your esophagus, so when you do barf it all up it slides right out like my ex-boyfriend’s tiny little dick.
A lot of people think you need a Costco membership to get into Costco – you don’t. All you have to do is walk behind someone and point at them while making eye contact with the greeter. I do it all the time. Once you’re past the door guy feel free to shove as many Kirkland brand pizza rolls in your mouth as you can. Technically you’re not supposed to eat more than a couple but fuck all those bougie Costco motherfuckers. If anyone gives you the stink eye, apologize to them sarcastically and throw up in their face.
Pretend to be homeless on the subway.
This works great. They have these guys that go around giving sandwiches to homeless people. All you have to do is tell them that you’re homeless and they’ll give you food. They can’t question you even if you’re wearing nice clothes, because they’ll look like an asshole, so you don’t even need to worry about smelling like piss or pretending to be a veteran. Bonus points if you can throw up the food into a homeless person’s mouth.
Eat out of the garbage.
Sure – it looks trashy at first (haha) but really there’s a lot of free food in the garbage and you don’t need to worry about germs because you’re going to just throw it up anyway. When you factor in bulimia, the five second rule is effectively extended to about six hours. I ate a hot dog once that was mostly pigeon. I lost vision in my left eye for about an hour, but when my sight came back, guess who looked sexy and thin as fuck? This bitch.
Anyhow, good luck out there, stars! We’re all gonna make it!