As A Business Owner, I Don’t Want Gays In My Dick Sucking Parlor

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It’s 1971. A young, dark, frail man twists in his uncomfortable chair. He is keenly aware of his body movements as he affects confidence. Across from him, a narrow faced banker fastidiously mulls over a stack of papers, inhaling sharply through his nose as he moves from page to page. Without looking up, and with a quick twitch of his mustache, the banker speaks.

“What is this loan for exactly?”

“It’s a dick sucking parlor, sir.”

Another sharp breath. A heavy rubber stamp falls swiftly on the top page.

“Okay, you’re approved. The clerk will finalize the paperwork and your funds should be available in a couple of days.”

The young man thanks the banker and his façade of confidence solidifies into a wholly substantive sense of pride. He is now a small business owner. He is also the father of a four month old girl named Nicole Mullen who would go on to be one of the most successful internet writers of all time.

That was a long time ago, and in the years that have since passed, I watched my father and his brother pour every ounce of themselves into that dick sucking parlor. From five o’clock in the morning until three o’clock at night, every day, my father and uncle got on their hands and knees and sucked dicks so that I wouldn’t have to. The business was a success, and now with 15 employees, Mullen Dick Sucking is the most profitable and successful dick sucking operation in the state of Maryland.

My father retired, and his dream was that I would be able to live off of the business without having to be directly involved. A noble dream, but in the end, it’s not really what either of us wanted. You see, that little dick sucking shack was as much of a part of our family as our retarded sister or one of our monitor lizards. It was the first place I worked when I was a teenager. It was where I had my first kiss. It was like a second home, if not a home in its own right.

What I’m getting at here is that being a business owner is a lot more than just signing paychecks and looking over balance sheets. It’s not just about sucking the dicks and calling it a day. Being a business owner is something that defines not only an individual, but an entire family on a fundamental level. It’s our passion, and it’s something that’s directly tied to a person’s worldview and their faith. Sucking dicks is something that I believe in.

This is why I support the recent legislation in Arizona to allow businesses to deny service to homosexuals based on religious reasons. As a Christian and a proud dick sucker, I don’t feel like I should be forced to compromise my faith in a way that I don’t want to, simply to suit the needs of someone who has a lifestyle I disagree with. They can get their dick sucked somewhere else, why do I have to suck gay dicks if the Bible tells me that it’s wrong?

You see, the Bible is pretty clear about acts of homosexuality. It says that it is an abomination for a man to engage in sex with another man. Now of course, the Bible was written a long time ago, so we have to make some kinds of exceptions – like if you’re running a dick sucking business for example and you need to suck another man’s dick for money or heroin – but it’s still wrong to suck another man’s dick because you like it. That’s the one thing you can’t excuse.

Now, people want to argue this point. They say, well why is it okay to eat shellfish or wear clothing made of mixed fabrics, aren’t these also abominations according to the scripture?

Yes, if you want to interpret the Bible literally. But, again, like I said, we have to make exceptions.

Christianity is all about making exceptions for yourself – choosing which things you want to believe or not. To just look at the Bible and take it all at face value would violate God’s gift of free will. God actually wants us to sin (to a certain degree) so that we can atone for said sins and delude ourselves into thinking we are living in a state of progress. That’s why he put that crazy stuff in there like the shellfish thing and the mixed fabrics stuff and it’s why He forgot to clarify that it’s okay to suck another man’s dick if it’s your job.

I run an honest, Christian dick sucking business. A family business. One day I’m going to be too old to suck dicks and my son Mason will take my place, right here on the floor, in service of the Lord and any weary Christian traveler looking to blow one off in a strange mouth. Don’t take away my right to express myself through my faith, and don’t force me to allow gay men in my little discount blowjob hut under the interstate. Thank you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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