Well, today’s the big game. Isn’t it? I think it is. The Super Bowl is the big one right? Haha, who knows? I just know my man is with his friends, and I’m on Chex Mix and beer duty. This is Chex Mix right? Or are these just pretzels? Haha! I’m so stupid!
No, I’m kidding, I’m not stupid, but I’m definitely not like, football smart. I’m more like deal-smart and fashion-smart and most importantly, social-smart. I’ve got a lot of friends and I totally know how to exclude people or make them feel bad without being direct about it. In a lot of ways, that’s the most important kind of intelligence. I’m intelligent when it comes to fitting in and hanging, so naturally, when the big game is on, like most girls, I want to be involved. But, every year, because we’re football dumb, women find themselves asking these questions:
1. Who is playing?
2. Who are we rooting for?
3. When are the commercials?
4. Wait why are they kicking the ball? Why don’t they just always kick the ball?
5. Wait which one is the quarterback? The halfback? Why are they all backs? Those sound kind of like racial slurs.
6. Why can’t I ask questions?
7. Why the fuck do you have to exclude me, Jordan? I’m only watching this stupid shit for you.
8. Where the fuck were you when I was at Amanda’s birthday?
9. Because Clark is my fucking friend and I can hang out with who I want, can’t I?
10. Have I been drinking?!? Have you been drinking?
11. What, I can’t make decisions for myself?
12. Yeah, it’s four in the afternoon, you’re acting like its ten o’clock in the fucking morning, why can’t I be drunk?
13. Oh okay, so if I hadn’t crashed the car last week I’d have your fucking permission to drink?
14. Fuck your friends, I don’t give a shit if they leave! You know this is my fucking apartment too, right?
15. So I have to pay rent to make it my apartment?
16. Whose fucking couch are you sitting on?
17. Whose fucking Papered Chef are you eating that Chex Mix out of?
18. Whose fucking Chex Mix is that, even, Jordan?
19. Where the fuck are you going?!
20. Fine, go – you think I fucking care if you leave?! IM FUCKING YOUR DAD.
21. Why is he such an asshole?
22. WHY WON’T ANYBODY LOVE ME?!?!