Okay, I’m going to start off by saying that this is all speculative. I’ve never actually not had a date on Valentine’s Day because, let’s face it, I’m a traditionally attractive woman, I’m smart, and I’m funny as hell. But, I have a lot of overweight and awkward friends who I watch struggle year after year. They count down the first two weeks of February and know that once again, they’re spending Valentine’s Day alone. So, how do you cope with being alone on the one day you’re supposed to be in a relationship? Here’s the advice I often give to my lonelier friends.
1. Have A Good Cry
It’s okay to feel sorry for yourself. It’s even more okay to let those feelings out in the form of tears. However, it is important to remember to re-apply your makeup if you end up going out later, because you want to look your best in case there’s a desperate guy out there just waiting to take what he can get.
2. Look Into Signing Up For A Gym
So, you’ve got several hours at home alone tonight, why not use that time productively? Research gym memberships and personal trainers. Find out what works for your budget, and if nothing else, maybe look up some exercises you can do at home to be more attractive! You’ll feel better about yourself and maybe next year someone will want to take you out on the most important day of the year.
3. Think About What You Did Wrong
Remember, if you’re alone, it’s nobody’s fault but yours. Spend time ruminating on it. Replay conversations you had with people over the past couple of weeks. Think about how you’ve pushed men away, or presented yourself in an unsuitable manner. Think about what you could have done differently to just make people like you.
4. Spend Some Time Alone
It’s important to get comfortable with being alone. Turn off your phone, lock your doors, shut the blinds, and just get really comfortable with being yourself. Be present and in the moment, and have honest internal dialog about your life.
5. Stop Throwing Things Away
It’s a good idea to start saving old newspapers and empty tuna cans. You want to keep the tops of those cans, too. Make sure you file them all away with the jars of your urine. As long as you don’t throw anything away, it’s like time isn’t really passing. You won’t age and eventually you’ll find a man who knows how much prettier you are than your sister.
6. Blow Your Social Security Checks On QVC
It’s a ladder that’s also a clock. It’s a clock that’s also a laser pointer. It’s a laser pointer that attaches to a key chain that can call your TV remote, and it’s also a TV remote. It’s all the things you need at prices you can’t afford to pass up. Buy it. Buy it all now. This is your last chance.
7. Pretend Your Dog Is A Baby
Wrap your dog up in a sarong and carry it around like a baby. Talk to it like it’s a baby, and if you’re bold enough, try to breast feed it. The dog might not like it but it’s a good way to simulate having a family and prepare yourself for when it happens.
8. Cut Off All Your Hair In A Fit Of Hysteria
Sometimes it helps to just bawl uncontrollably while looking at yourself in the mirror. Point out all of your flaws with the tip of a pair of scissors and start cutting off clumps of your hair. This is a good time to have a conversation with your deceased father and ask him why he was never around. It’s also a good time to channel your older sister and pantomime her criticisms of your appearance.
9. Blame The Kennedy’s
The repeated malfeasances of the Kennedys have sorely tainted the public opinion of American aristocracy. Your aunt’s debut at the Copa was attended by Gene Markey and Artie Shaw! Look at us now! The delivery boy doesn’t even refer to you as Dame Francis. Our family had a good name until Ted murdered that poor girl.
10. Start A Small Fire In The Basement
With all the old paint cans and turpentine down there it would be hard for a claims adjuster to deny that it was accidental. There’s no kin that would see a settlement payout anyways, it’s really just about your dignity. Just take an old house fan and fray some of the wires, plug it in and wait.
11. Take A Klonopin With Some Peach Schnapps
They say the smoke inhalation kills you before your skin can even heat up. It’ll be like getting a harsh whiff of the camp fire for a second, but the alcohol and the benzos will make it easier. It’s not your fault, you made the right decisions. You said the right things. Sometimes life just doesn’t work out the way we want, and that’s okay.