The most interesting thing about human beings is that all of us – with the exception of a few chimpanzee owners – have genitals. Webster’s dictionary defines genitals as, “the sex organs, the human dick and pussy, and butthole.” In layman’s terms, it refers to the parts of your body that you ‘do it’ with when you’re horny. We’re all familiar with them, we know they feel good when we rub them with our hands or get them sucked on by other people’s mouths, but a thing a lot of people don’t realize is that your genitals – their physical attributes and what you choose to do with them – have a strong impact on what kind of person you are.

So what do your genitals say about you? Well, quite simply, almost everything. It’s been shown that the most important factor in judging a person’s relative value is their genitals. From job interviews, to dating, to interfamilial relationships, our genitals play a pivotal role. Let’s take a look.

Men

The human dick is an organ that fills with a bone when a man is horny. This is one of the first things you can tell about someone based on their genitals, as a man with a boner is likely sexually aroused by something going on around him, possibly a woman or power tools or sports.

Studies show that men with bad dicks, that is to say tiny dicks, often exhibit shyness, and tend to be introverts. Women, whose dicks are inside out, often display the same behavior. If you like to spend evenings at home reading, rather than going out, it’s probably because you have a bad dick. You can tell someone has a bad dick without even having to see their dick. You can just analyze their behavior. Guys that pay a lot of money for dates or have race cars are usually in possession of a bad dick. Ever see someone in a Hummer go by and hear someone say, “he’s just compensating”? Well they were talking about his penis. It’s actually small, that’s why he has that car.

Big dicks on the other hand – or on both hands if you get my drift (they’re bigger) – are a different story. We’ve all heard the expression, “you know what they say about guys with big dicks,” but the truth is, no, we don’t know. You almost never hear what people say about big dicks because big dicks, like the female orgasm, aren’t actually real. In a 2009 Mythbuster’s episode, Jamie and Adam compared their dicks and found that they both had small to okay dicks. Everyone has a medium dick or a small dick. In fact, most people that claim to have a big dick are pathological liars and can’t be trusted with money or your children.

Sometimes, a dick that would be good based on size alone is ruined by being bent. A bent dick is one that curves to one side or the other in a weird way that makes it look stupid. In focus groups of 13 year old boys, most agreed that if your dick was bent, it meant that you were gay. While science has presented plenty of evidence to the contrary, it is true that your dick is probably bent from wearing pants that are too tight. Often people that define themselves as ‘alternative’ have bent dicks from wearing girls pants.

Men also have nuts which hang down from under the dick in a nutsack. The nuts are where cum is stored, which gets used in the mans body to make him grow a beard and get into fights. Men with smaller nuts have less cum so they tend to be cowards.

Women

Titties, or bazongas as they may be known colloquially, can sometimes be considered genitals because you can suck and fuck them. Women with larger breasts tend to be more confident because larger breasts are hot and it makes the woman feel good when people stare at them.

When women have small breasts, or even breasts that aren’t huge, it sends the wrong message to people. It says, “I might be a little girl or a man, and my titties are less fun to play with.” The reasons for this are deeply rooted, speaking from a biological standpoint, as the titties are where milk is made for the husband and the baby when a woman is pregnant. When a man sees a woman with small tits he knows he can drink less milk if she’s pregnant, possibly leaving no milk leftover for the baby, which would then die. Interestingly enough it’s been shown that women with small breasts turn out to be bad mothers and often have their children die or get kidnapped and molested.

The pussy is the main part of the woman that you have sex with or put fingers in. Very much like a boner, when a woman is aroused by a man’s penis or his fingers, the pussy will make juice that leaks out. Most women’s pussies will often have some base level of moisture in them, but some women are completely dry. Women with naturally dry pussies tend to enjoy speaking truth to power and blogging.

A pussy can have many things that are wrong with it. Some of them have lips that are too big or too small, which is gross. Many women also often forget to shave their pussies, which lets people know they are lazy and shouldn’t be allowed to work or should at least be paid less than a man, or a woman with a better pussy.

Lastly, both genders have buttholes, which are like pussies but they have doodoo in them and they are tighter. What’s neat is that both men and women can put dicks in their buttholes, but what it means when they do it is completely different depending on gender. Scientists have found that women that like to put dicks in their buttholes are statistically ‘cool,’ whereas men who engage in this behavior are ‘gay’ (bad).

So hopefully now you’re a little more educated on people and their genitals, and what they mean, but remember that these are just generalizations. There are going to be plenty of exceptions to the rules, and the best way to actually get to know a person is by asking them what kind of music they like.