I see you. I feel your pain. Because I too am a child of the parents who fought all the time. Who can relate better than a person who endured the same?
I see you as a little child, hidden in your closet, from the screaming monsters, listening to glass shatter all over the kitchen floor. I see you crying out for help but nobody listening. Oh dear, I know what that was like. I remember as well, holding tiny little hands over our little ears and every so often checking to see if you could hear screams. I see you, darling. I see you scared and alone, with nobody to hold your hand. The people who should be holding your hand are far to busy pointing their fingers. But, it’s okay. I saw you child, you are not alone. I see your suitcase ready to go, as if you know where to leave to at just six years old. But in that moment, anywhere is better than the screaming house. I see you still battling those emotions that you had to keep for all these years.
I see you, as a teenager. Watching your first fight with two classmates. Cringing, heart beating fast, and slowly turning away. Painful memories burned into your mind, you can’t bear to watch another second. I see you looking for love in all the wrong places. Please, don’t. I see your choosing of men, after a few months we start to sound a whole lot like those monsters in the bedroom. But it’s okay, darling. I know you don’t want to be like them. I see every single pain inflicted memory haunt you wherever you go, carrying it around like a bug hitching a ride. But, how do you get rid of a bug that’s only hidden from you? After all, we just listened to screaming all our life, it’s not THAT bad. At least, that’s what I always got told. I see you battling those emotions that just want to make you scream, but I know that you don’t want to be one to raise your voice. I know because I didn’t want too either. I didn’t want to sound like those scary monsters we used to hide from.
I see you, as an adult. Striving so hard to be everything they weren’t. Finally finding that bug on you and realizing emotional abuse is just as hurtful as physical abuse. That there wasn’t anything wrong with you, besides battling something that everyone always said wasn’t that bad. I know it was really difficult to fix the part of me that everyone said didn’t need fixing. But I know, I know that part of you needs the most healing. I see you. I feel your pain. I wish I could say that it gets easier. But, for me it didn’t. It’s always with me wherever I go. If there’s one piece of advice I can give you, don’t let the monsters that you fight within you win. Because everyone runs from monsters.