I’m 42 and single. In some cultures, that would mean I’m the village spinster and should be feared incase the spinstering is a curse that could be caught. Overhearing the other village women whisper about their theories of why I am still single is always entertaining. In other cultures, I’ve crossed the threshold of being marriage material, so I should start adopting cats by the dozen, and coordinating the church picnics under the guise of having a social life. In my familial home, a 42-year old single is just waiting for her white knight to arrive to sweep me off my feet. I’m waiting for Uber to create a dating app so I can just order the next available man in my immediate area. If not for the long haul, it would at least keep my lady parts from drying up and falling off. Yet, another curse of being a spinster!
In an attempt to shake my dating tail feather, I have made a half-hearted effort to explore the depths of online dating. I realize that this is not a new discovery, and marriages by the thousands happen every year because two people matched, or swiped right, or had the energy to fill out E-harmony’s 347 questions. I, on the other hand, have always stayed away from online dating whenever possible because my first foray into Match yielded with my ex-boyfriend discovering me on the site and berating me for being desperate. Ironic, since finding me on the site meant he was on there too. But if you scream louder, you must always be right, right? Hence, the reason he is the ex.
With the onslaught of Tinder and Bumble, and the ease of swiping right or left on the virtual line up, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try. After 6 months on these apps, and my lack of verbal filter, I just can’t let the travesty of bad online profiles to continue. I realize we are all just trying to find love, albeit in a very public and vulnerable way, and our profile equates to us being a sign-spinner on the side of the road trying to convert sales, but for the love of Baby Jesus, can we address the following:
1. Your profile is about YOU not about your friends.
I think it is fabulous that you seem to be a social butterfly and you have lots of friends but if I can’t tell which one you are in the group photo, I may be more drawn to your college roommate than I am to you. Keep it simple. Show me your face and how you fit into the larger world. There will be plenty of time for me to meet your friends. Except Bob…I can tell from the photos that I already won’t like Bob.
2. The shirtless mirror selfie has to go!
I realize you are shy about putting yourself on display for the world to see and to critique, but every time I see the mirror selfie I think you don’t have anyone in your life you trust enough to take a decent photo of you. It’s just a photo; you have a million you can choose from on your own phone. Leave your shirtless mirror selfies for your personal trainer, who cares more about the state of your abs than I really do. We all have some good living layers that should be shed.
3. Show your tattoos.
If you have chosen to ink your body from head to toe, I would like to have that information so I can make an educated decision to decide if I want to date a man with more art than the Louvre Museum. A few tattoos are fine; but if you have more tats than the number of shoes I own; I’d appreciate knowing so I can prepare my Mother before she thinks I’ve started dating the leader of a motorcycle gang even though you are a CEO.
4. Are you really living your life to the fullest? Really?
For some reason that feels like it’s the standard line in every profile, and I stumble over it every time. Short of George Clooney, who has the ability to be a leading man, while fostering middle east peace, I don’t think most of us are really “living our lives to the fullest;” let’s be honest. It’s perfectly ok to say you love to travel, work and also veg out on the couch doing nothing but watch TV. I feel like living life to the fullest everyday is going to be a lot of work so let’s all just agree to be more realistic and say we occasionally have moments of inspiration balanced with naps.
5. If we both swipe right and actually connect, can you be a gentleman and respond?
On Bumble, the women have to be the first to start the conversation. I’m perplexed why men go through the motions to swipe right, and then never respond to a message. Isn’t that the reason we are all doing this dance? Now, I just figure your lack of response is because you are too busy living your life to the fullest. Good luck with that, Pinocchio.
I realize my nit picking of online dating is probably not making Cupid proud; hence the reason I’m still single, but life’s too short not to call out the nonsense. I’m hardly an expert in this game so please don’t call me out for being too pretentious or a know-it-all. I’m just saying what others are thinking. Think of this as my moment of living life to the fullest and keeping it real! If you are reading this, and you are still single, please pop over to your online profile and do some housekeeping. I’m waiting to meet you, see your body art, and to start meeting your friends…except Bob. He’s definitely not invited to the wedding.