The Ten Guys You’ll Meet On Bumble

Tommy Tong
Tommy Tong

Are you curious? I was! After a substantial dating hiatus, I spent two weeks on Bumble. Your results may vary, but here are a few archetypes that I had the pleasure of swiping, for better or worse, for left or right.

1. The “What’s the Catch?” Guy

He’s young, he has an impressive career, he loves his dog and appears to get along with babies. As you send that first message, you’re already hesitant – how can someone so seemingly perfect be single? In my experience, these guys fall into two categories: The honestly-too- busy-to- find-a- date-in- real-life nice guy, and the player who calculates his profile down to every last detail and is definitely not looking for one girlfriend. I haven’t encountered anyone from the former category, but I’m anoptimist for the rest of you Bumblers.

2. The Group Photo Guy

We (your avid viewers/swipers) appreciate that you’re social. We really do. But how do we know what you look like if every one of your photos is a group photo? (Are you the tall guy? Is he single?) I may play Where’s Waldo for a few of these people but, chances are, if it’s going to take excessive effort, you’re going to the left. This app is supposed to simplify dating, and you just aren’t playing by the rules.

3. The Camo Guy

He is dressed in full camouflage in the back of a truck, beaming proudly above a deceased deer. Absolutely not, sir. He may very well be one of you ladies’ cups of tea, but I’ll pass to the left on this one every single time. [Hugs dog closer and resumes watching Bambi.]

4. Your Ex’s Friend

You always thought he was cute. Now it’s been a few years since you and your ex broke up (or maybe it hasn’t been, do you girl), and it’s not like he’ll know you swiped right if he doesn’t swipe right too. Right? Right.

5. Your Ex

Caution: This may result in nausea, laughter, and/or screen shots to your friend group text. The entertaining part is seeing how they describe themselves (“Oh really? Since when?”), and slightly pitying the next girl that falls for it. Or maybe you’re a mature individual, so you simply wish them the best, and proceed with your browsing. Either way — to the left, to the left.

6. The Super Outdoorsy Adventure Guy

Is this a Discovery Channel audition or a dating profile? I sincerely applaud that you climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, swam with bull sharks and went skydiving but I’m already tired and I haven’t even matched with you yet. I also don’t know what you look like, so you should take notes – in moderation – from Selfie Guy (see #8). Whatever you do, don’t be the Super Outdoorsy Adventure Guy who is also the Group Photo Guy [Throws phone to the left].

7. Your Past Classmate or Coworker

Fancy meeting you here. Weird, isn’t it? Sometimes it’s an absolute “No.” Sometimes it’s, “He was kind of cute…” and you do have an instant conversation starter — If you match. If you don’t, it never happened. I won’t tell.

8. The Selfie Guy

Whether it’s him looking moodily into the distance of the corner of his bedroom, a classic bathroom mirror shot, or a gym mirror shot for good measure, this guy sure has been practicing his “good side.” Selfie Guy, I’m going to suggest that you meet Group Photo Guy for a night on the town, and then go skydiving with Super Outdoorsy Adventure Guy to add some diversity to your profile – Camo Guy is not invited to either outings. Also, let your dog be in one of your selfies if applicable. Carry on.

9. Your Real Life Crush

This is awkward if you’ve made moves on this person and they weren’t into it. It doesn’t hurt to err on the side of caution though and give them a swipe to the right just in case they were missing your signals. (“Do you like me yet? How about now? I’ll check back later.”)

10. The Clever Guy

Extra points to you fellas who make your “Info” sections worth reading. Whether it is the upfront “Looking for a girl to go to the [insert DJ here] show with,” the guy with 2 Truths and a Lie as his bio, or the inclusion of any Will Ferrell movie reference, you’re giving us an ice breaker and a little insight into what you’re like to interact with. Keep up the good work.

With that, I hope I haven’t offended any of you gentlemen. You do your thing, and the right girl will swipe right soon. Happy swiping, everyone, and brainstorm for those Info sections. TC mark

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