From the moment you and I met, you did something to me. I always found you unexplainably beautiful; your effortless composure, your permanently serious facial expression, your steady, confident gaze that held eye contact far longer than I ever could with eyes like yours. From your soft tone to your quiet encouragement to everyone around you, you had me inarticulate and bashful from the very beginning.
I saw you as the unicorn of our generation: attractive, polite, ambitious, and kind – and you saw me as a friend. The worst part of falling for you was knowing that I shouldn’t. I knew falling for your smile was a bad idea, and that I was only setting myself up for disappointment.
I knew it was better to have someone like you in my life as a friend than not at all.
I knew that complicating both of our lives by saying anything about my innocent crush would cause more trouble than it was worth. But rationalizing the situation to my heart never worked; emotions and logic don’t mix.
So I let myself get high on the adrenaline rush you bring, and wait apprehensively for the inevitable crash.
Falling for a friend is exciting in the beginning, before anyone has gotten hurt. It’s all butterflies and rapid heartbeats, intoxicated with excitement when they’re near you. Events that you both attend have an extra level of anticipation to them. No one around you suspects anything – because, of course, there is nothing to suspect.
But maybe there could be something more. Maybe if I manage to hold eye contact just a little longer. Maybe if I go out of my way to touch you in casual conversation, my fingertips feeling your electricity through your sleeve. Then maybe I go home, once again fighting back the urge to text you. Maybe I text you. Maybe you respond.
As a friend.
That is the worst part of falling for a friend – the maybe. The maybe that leaves you staring at your ceiling in the middle of the night, wondering if you haven’t made your feelings apparent – and wondering if you even should. It’s the maybe you and I could be something. Maybe you and I would be perfect for each other – or maybe we would ruin a perfectly fine friendship.
Or, worst of all – maybe I need to accept that I’ll never be more than a friend to you.