The year is 2017, and although at this point in your life you’d imagined that you’d be living in a swanky apartment in the city with your financier boyfriend, who would greet you with open arms upon your return from that fabulous journalism/public relations/marketing-oriented job you landed immediately after graduation, so is not the case.
As reality would have it, you’re back in your suburban childhood home, the place you vowed to never return to unless it were an absolute emergency. Your entry level job affords you just enough to pretend that you’re not completely homebound for the next few years when your former business-major friends invite you out for dinner and overpriced cocktails. A big night of social interaction consists of telling your dog all your problems over a person bottle of Two Buck Chuck, and any desire to get down the way you used to at your former go-to bars is hindered by the very thought of applying makeup, doing your hair, and putting on anything remotely fashionable.
Though you may have come to terms with the fact that you’re parents are your roommates, and will continue to be your roommates, for an indefinite period of time, there’s one element that still takes some getting used to: dating.
As if the wonderful world of dating as a 20-something in a social climate marked by swiping culture, ghosting, bread crumbing, love bombing, and other anxiety-inducing patterns wasn’t enough to deter you from seeking love, the addition of the parent factor only confuses the matter.
For those who find this scenario to hit painfully close to home, here’s four undeniable truths that a single gal living with her parents will inevitably face.
1. The post-date interrogation
The fact that you’ve even found someone worthy of your precious time, which could probably be better spent catching up on American Horror Story or writing your autobiography (which WILL become a New York Times bestseller), is a feat in itself.
In an ideal world, the two of you go on a first date that was seemingly scripted by the love gods from above. You agree to part ways, leaving on a good note and agreeing to see each other again. Nothing can burst your infatuation bubble…that is until you arrive back home, confronted by a litany of questions from mom, who has been planning every last detail of your wedding since you left the house, and dad, who just wants to know every professional sports team he claims allegiance to. If you don’t answer each question like a polished pageant queen, you’re accused of being a bitter young woman doomed to a life of solitude. If you answer a little too enthusiastically, the interrogation process has no foreseeable ending.
2. The premature “meet the parents”
Unless you’re content with devising creative date ideas and spending your money on bowling, mini golf, and other middle school-esque activities until you two get married, you’ll someday have to enter each other’s homes, which will lead to the introduction you’ve been dreading since the day you met him. This will go something along the lines of, “This is [insert name here],” as you try and telepathically warn them not to respond with an, “Oh [insert name here], we’ve heard SO MUCH about you!” Best case scenario, after an “Oh, how handsome,” and a “Nice to finally meet you,” you’ll be able to whisk him away to the basement (or the most secluded part of the house).
3. Couch sex
Get used to the short, sweet, no-frills couch sex. With parents for roommates, the luxury of traditional bed sex is usually not an option. Desperate times calls for desperate measures, usually in the form of a relatively sound-proof room on any available surface.
4. Admitting defeat
So the short-lived romance didn’t inspire Nicholas Sparks to write his latest novel. Surprise, surprise. The immediate pain of rejection doesn’t feel so hot, but even worse than accepting defeat is admitting it to your parents, who were hopeful that this guy was the one who could provide them with the grandchildren they’ve been longing for since you stopped calling them mommy and daddy. They’ll look at you wondering how their healthy 25-year long marriage didn’t set a proper example for your relationship endeavors, but in a few weeks [insert name here] will be nothing more than a funny dinner table conversation.
Oh well, onto the next.