What I Felt When I Realized I May Never Get To Have You

 Sergey Zolkin
Sergey Zolkin

Yesterday I got some news; one of our friends is getting married. This shouldn’t come as a shock. I mean, we are old enough to start getting married, we are finishing our careers and we are moving into new stages of our lives. I knew all this since months ago, maybe even years.

However, it had never felt as real as when I heard that news. Somehow, it made it all seem real, tangible in a way.

The thought of moving on was always there in theory, but no one had actually made the jump for it.

All of a sudden, it became real to me, the possibility that you may be thinking to do the same thing, to enter the next stage of your life. The only difference would be that, in this new scene, I wouldn’t be part of the cast.

You see, I had this plan. Many years ago you were my first love and you broke my heart. This is usually how first loves the end. They are intense, beautiful and painful all at the same time. They are parts of your story that are usually left behind, forgotten and gotten over until you can look back at them and smile with nostalgia.

But we, we were different. We had the same intensity and hopes as first loves, but we also had a real shot at a future together. They weren’t just teenage wishes, they were real possibilities that we let slip away. I know for me we were more than just a burning flame that is eventually meant to die, and I am almost sure it was the same for you.

We went our different ways, finding new loves along the way. But no matter what we did, we always ended up back with each other, talking as if the years hadn’t passed. I know from this I must seem to you as just another wishful girl, but that’s not me at all.

I am always the rational one, the one that delivers the truth even when it hurts.

I know how to separate reality from dreams, and that some things only happen in the movies.

But with us, I always thought we could have a real shot. In my mind, life was going to throw us back together when we were ready to fight for it. We would seize the moment and make the best out of it, maybe even end up together.

But now, you’ve got a girlfriend that I think you love, I’ve got a boyfriend that I love and we are just friends. Nevertheless, the possibility still felt real until this wedding-about-to-happen. Suddenly, it all became too real and the ideas started flooding in. I don’t know where you are with this girl or if you are thinking about marrying her, but maybe you are, and this scares me to death.

I realized for the first time that I may never get my chance, that I’ve lost it for good and I am terrified.

I don’t think I can live with unanswered “what ifs” for the rest of my life without having at least the tiny possibility that I’ll get a chance for a response.

I still don’t know what to do. I am not sure if I should tell you or just get used to the fact that we’ll never be and be happy with being your friend.

I don’t think I can last any long period of time without talking to you, the past has taught me I can’t.

I am still deciding and gathering the courage to follow through with whichever my decision is. Maybe I’ll even lead you here and see if you can figure out this is about you. So, in case I don’t get to say it to you, I love you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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