Thought Catalog

My First Brazilian Wax

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My friend and fellow Taurus told me to go to her girl at her salon for my first Brazilian bikini wax. I was five minutes late (obviously) and the bikini waxer was waiting for me in the lobby. The salon was very serene and soothing so I thought maybe I was in for a kind of relaxing experience. LOLLLLLLL. I followed the waxer into a brightly lit, small windowless room where there was a sterile doctor’s table covered in paper, waiting for my vagina.

“So just take your pants off and lie on the table with your head here,” she said.

“And my underwear?”

“Are you doing a Brazilian?”

“Yes. It’s my first time so I’m a little scared.”

“Okay,” she said. “Your underwear, too. No need to be scared.”

So you hop up on the table wearing a bra and a t-shirt and nothing else and the waxer starts some friendly conversation. “Where are you from, what do you do,” etc. You fold your legs Indian style, lying flat on the table. Open faced vagina, brightly lit room, perfect stranger, dead sober — worst combo on Earth.

Now’s a good time to tell you ladies that all of your women friends are liars. “It’s not that bad,” “You’ll be fine,” and “It’s quick,” are all lies — it is that bad, you might cry, and it actually takes about 10 minutes.

The salon I went to used the self-drying wax — the esthetician applies it, it becomes tacky, and then she rips it off. After she rips off a strip, she places her hand back on the spot she just waxed and applies a moderate amount of pressure so your skin stops stinging. If she did not do this, I think I would have fainted. Not even being dramatic.

She started with the outer thigh, which, if you’ve ever waxed another part of your body, it’s pretty similar on the pain scale. It hurts, but it’s not excruciating. Then she moved to the “top,” AKA where the landing strip goes. This is the most painful part. I don’t know what the kind of nerve endings are on top of your pubic bone, but seems like evolution went a little overboard, IMHO. When you think about it though, it’s almost as if human females weren’t meant to get our pubes torn out one by one???? Like that hair is there for a reason, as an evolutionary trait designed to protect a fragile part of our bodies????? LOL gross!

So this stranger woman is spreading this warm wax all over your labia majora and she’s talking to you about vacations and Lady Gaga and I’m going to tell you what I wish someone told me — you sweat so much. You are sweating like you just ran two miles. Your hands are sweating and your face is sweating and your upper lip is sweating and your torso is sweating. And you are flinching at everything.

Then she starts getting pretty intimate re: location. Very seriously close to your vulva. THIS IS THE LEAST OF YOUR CONCERNS. This woman DGAF about the proximity of her hands to your weiner hole. This woman is ripping your pubic hair out of your body — you kind of wish there was some fingering going on just to make the situation more bearable.

So she keeps going back for more wax. And then more wax. AND THEN MORE WAX. And you can’t see what’s going on. She’s going from lips to top to lips to sides and you’re like, “How much hair is down there? When will this end? I should have worn a sweatband. Why can’t I just have alopecia? :(“

Then. THEN. There was one strip of wax, again on that top part near the pube bone, and as soon as it came off, my eyes instantly teared up. I began to cry. I cried during my first Brazilian wax. And it’s not like, “Oh man, this headache is so unbearable.” It’s like when you’re little and you bite it on your bike out of nowhere and you just start crying. Your body doesn’t know what to do. Your body’s in fight or flight!! FIGHT OR FLIGHT!!! It’s trying to survive!!!!

So you’re sweating, screaming, crying, wincing, and flinching at every movement this woman is making and yet still trying to keep your cool while telling her about this job interview you’re going on and your grandma’s 85th birthday party. Then the angels open the gates: “Okay! We’re done! …now flip over.”

I didn’t believe any of my girlfriends who told me the butthole part didn’t hurt, but they were right. After a stranger rips the first layer of your clitoris off and you’ve sweat through your bra and you’re apologizing profusely for crying minutes after meeting this woman and baring your spread eagle vagina to her, by the time she gets to the butthole hair, it feels like a walk in the park. I could honestly have my butthole hair ripped out every day.  Not even a cat scratch, folks. Like, if the entire Brazilian wax felt like the butthole section, pubes would have already been phased out by evolution.

Then you’re for real done, you apologize again, she confirms that you’re not alone in the crying category (but still, e__e), and to “make sure to come back!”

Brazlian waxes hurt. Very badly. As bad or worse as you imagine (NOT LESS). I would try to be drunk or on oxycodone during your first one. TC mark

image – FaceMePLS

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    • Maully

      too much switching between first person and third person. overdone topic

      • Sarah

        First and second person, actually, but I agree.
        I rarely leave negative comments on here, but you aren’t a very good writer. You use way too many fragments and the amount of chatspeak made me want to cry.

      • margot_j

        shut up. it was great. everything from the flinching, sweating and moronic conversation was spot on. while i’m getting waxed i can’t even tell if its me or someone else its happening to,so the switching of persons works perfectly.

    • Nico

      I took a Xanax prior to my first Brazilian, and I didn’t even flinch. No redness, no pain, total walk in the park. I could have taken a nap.  The next time I went, I had to stop at the bikini line, and that was with several minutes of coercing by my esthetician.

    • Chick A Dee

      get a better waxer. it shouldn’t be anywhere near this bad.

      • allison

        Totally agree about this, it has never hurt as bad as she describes it in this piece with a good, professional waxer. Just got waxed yesterday even and it was a breeze. Also don’t get a brazilian, they are sadistic. Get french. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carlos-Ortiz/1279921705 Carlos Ortiz

      “Like, if the entire Brazilian wax felt like the butthole section, pubes would have already been phased out by evolution.”
       
      That’s not how evolution works.

      • http://tekniklr.com Teri

        What do you mean? Haven’t you ever heard of Lamarckian inheritance? READ A BOOK

        • http://www.facebook.com/people/Carlos-Ortiz/1279921705 Carlos Ortiz

          yeah that’s how I imagined genetics might work when I was 8 years old.

    • Me

      You guys are being way too critical, it’s not a serious piece. It’s meant for entertainment.

      Depicting it exactly how she sees it. Thought Catalog isn’t a world renowned literary magazine, so chill out.

      • http://twitter.com/nuclearcabbage Nive

        Word

      • Me

        *GASP* a fragment. What is this world coming to? Oh, wait, it’s called artistic freedom. Yup, that’s right. Freedom. Get used to that word.

        • Jez

          So you’re saying…she has the freedom to use fragments and we have to like it? We don’t have the freedom to be of the opinion that too many fragments = bad writing?

          That’s some pretty faulty logic.

    • Erin

      This made me tear from laughter, never got a Brazilian, but a full bikini line is enough to know what you’re talking about

    • Thumbone

      This description was soooooo correct. Except it doesn’t take 10 minutes. Much longer :-/

    • ouch

      I JUST got a Brazilian yesterday after work. I haven’t done it in about half a yr and it hurt like hell. But honestly..do it often and I PROMISE it won’t hurt like that every time. First time is the worst, or when you wait too long to get it done like me.

      (I’ve had it done a million places, but still never had them “flip me” over to do the back. Its always baby-diaper-changing style, which is pretty awkward and embarrassing).

    • Anon

      My exact experience at my first Brazilian yesterday. Life is not fun today, and I’m all red.

    • kp

      Wait, why do girls do this again?

      • pesto

        “Girl pubes weird me out.”
        -real life quote from one of my best guy friends. granted, he’s 18, but still… ugh.

        • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

          Screw that noise. I don’t want to go down on a fucking Barbie doll. 

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans 371747

        well, mostly blah blah dudes blah blah patriarchy blah blah, you know what I mean

      • Anonymous

        you all seem to like it so much?

    • Alanna

      The only reason I go back for more is my stash of oxycodone. Once those bad boys dry up, my vag is going furry.

    • Alanna

      The only reason I go back for more is my stash of oxycodone. Once those bad boys dry up, my vag is going furry.

    • Em

      GURL, you need to try sugaring. Way better than waxing. I’ve never waxed. Had my first Brazilian a few months ago. Popped two painkillers. Easy breezy. A few flinches, but nothing too bad. And I have a very low pain tolerance. 

    • pesto

      This is one of the most entertaining things I’ve read here. Haters can hop off; I thought the overly dramatic chatspeak was appropriate for the tone and the content. Obviously if this was a piece about getting over a death in the family, etc, it’d be completely inappropriate. Here, it just made me laugh harder.

      • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

        Completely agree. the LOLLLLLLLs were fantastic. 

    • Je

      Hahahaha 15% (real data I have collected) of commenters on Thought Catalogue are functionally autistic.

    • http://twitter.com/amanda_silvas Amanda Silvas

      Don’t care about the writing style, it made me L O L at work…. oopsy. 

      “Open faced vagina, brightly lit room, perfect stranger, dead sober.” #WorstNightmare

    • Em

      It’s not that bad!!! Haha maybe you went to a shitty place. Or your tolerance for pain is particularly low. :)

    • Anonymous

      So it wasn’t the most professional piece, but it was goddamn funny. That counts for something.

    • Izzy

      This is a piece satirizing some of thought catalog’s other article’s topics and use of language right? RIGHT?

    • lolastrawbunny

      What is DGAF?

      • Fuensanta100

        doesnt give a fuck

      • Fuensanta100

        doesnt give a fuck

      • SB

        “Don’t/ Doesn’t give a fuck”

    • Fuensanta100

      you just made me lmao!!!  My first brazilian wax was when I was 14 . I ALMOST DIED IN THAT ROOM!  and yeah, I tell my friends it doesnt hurt!

      • a.

         Who gets a Brazilian at 14?!

        • Anonymous

          People who have boyfriends and who wear bikinis?

        • Staplerinvasion

          Most waxers won’t go near a kid who’s 14 for a brazilian, bikini wax only requires a bikini wax, and if your boyfriend is entering the brazilian zone at 14, well, if you can’t handle the natural state of pubic hair I’m not sure you should venturing down there so early 

        • Staplerinvasion

          That should be bikini wearing, not bikini wax 

      • bob

        so hot

    • missy

      “This woman is ripping your pubic hair out of your body — you kind of wish there was some fingering going on just to make the situation more bearable.” hilarious!

    • rose georgia

      aww! you definitely must have got a bad waxer. the first bikini wax i got was terrible. the woman yanked out the hairs with no delicacy or speed at all and as a result tiny dots of blood rose up all over the area – not so sexy. i don’t have anything like a low pain threshold, but she managed to make even a basic half leg wax into torture.
      my first brazilian (a year after that horrible bikini/leg wax), with a very efficient, very brisk, very nice woman called olga, was fast, professional and i barely winced. obviously it wasn’t a comfortable experience, but it definitely wasn’t hell. it was actually kind of exhilarating. 

    • Daily TC Reader

      well it looks like I will never be getting a brazilian

    • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

      The Butthole Affair would be a great band name.

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