I created monsters of my own. Monsters that haunt and steal my peace. Monsters that refuse to be locked up, nor tamed. Monsters that keep on reminding what I lost, what pains me, what crushes me. Monsters that will mask its real motives with faces of comfort and refuge. Monsters that continuously try to break whatever is left whole of me. But don’t we all do? In our pursuit for our passions, self-importance, and self-worth, unknowingly we create our own monsters which we despise after giving its breath.
I despise them all. I desired control over them, but the more that I wanted to, the more I fail. And whenever I fail, I retreat in tears, frustrated, angry with myself, for letting them win again. It was a hard fought battle, but in the end, they won again, screaming “Maybe try again tomorrow.” Every day is a battle. Every day is a struggle. Everyday I wonder, who would win this time?
Not only do I fear these monsters, but also I fear that the people I love will abandon me the moment they knew how often I lose despite all their efforts in trying to help me win. I do not want to disappoint them anymore. So I cave in. They said they won’t, they won’t leave me. And I know they won’t. They aren’t really the problem. It’s me. What I know doesn’t agree with how I feel. And that’s not their problem, isn’t it? It’s all me. I guess I am the problem.
“It’s all in your head.” It is. Is it? Even so, such words caused me more anxiety. These aren’t what I need to hear whenever I have attacks. It isn’t as simple as pushing off a thought, but they don’t know that, do they? Unless one suffered the same, he/she wouldn’t know how hard it is, how painful it is. No matter how much I try to explain, I couldn’t make you understand. And perhaps I am tired of even trying to explain it. Don’t get me wrong, I do understand the concern in such words uttered, and how they just wanted me to see that I could win over this. What I am saying is that I just needed someone to listen. I just need you to listen.
I am fighting. No matter how many times I lose, I continue to fight, because I should. There are those moments that I cry for help, and whenever such calls aren’t detected, I remind myself, “Do this on your own. Fight, get better.” I am striving. But striving hard and trying to deal with this alone tire me. Somewhere in my head I hear a voice screaming, “You can’t do this alone! Get help!” I shout back, who would I get help from? Who would be able to penetrate and fully understand what’s in my head, what I am feeling? Who would I call help to without getting anxious that I am just consuming him/her? I know I could call for help from the people around me, but I couldn’t let myself need them and rely on them more than what I am allowed to. I couldn’t let them fill the void in my heart. So who? Who could help me? That’s when I heard this soft whisper, “I can. I would.” I got myself so broken that I forgot the one who never left me, the one who loves me with all His heart. Then, I prayed silently, “God, I am tired of hurting, please save me.”
Slowly I am getting better. I still do get attacks, but little by little I triumph. I celebrate my mini triumphs with great joy, because hey, you don’t just win any battle as such. Also, I know in my heart that I couldn’t have done it without God’s help.
Here’s to everyone suffering from PTSD:
I am so proud of you. I know how hard you are fighting. I know how you are struggling. I know how anxious and afraid you are of losing those you love whenever you are defeated in your battles. But if they truly love you, they won’t ever leave you. No matter how much your mind screams that they would, that you are all alone, know that you are not. There is much more to life than whatever we are feeling right now. It’s hard to see that at the moment, trust me, I myself is still struggling. But keep in mind that in eternity, none of this will matter anymore. Keep on fighting. It does not matter how many times you lose and fail. What matters is that whenever you do, you’ll stand back up and try again. Most of all rest in God’s embrace. He loves you way more than anyone could ever. Your monsters may keep on coming back, but greater is He that promises to get you through all of this.
For more information about PSTD, read PTSD And Complex PTSD: What Happens When You’ve Lived In A Psychological War Zone.