I have always been the type of person to stick to what I know, to stay where I am comfortable, and to be with who was familiar to me. I remained in an unhealthy relationship for far too long because it is what I was used to. I was unhappy but constantly told myself I could never move on and find better. Why did I convince myself that I couldn’t do better this whole time? I gave so much to someone that reciprocated so little. I was persistently belittled by someone I literally begged to stay in my life time and time again.
I know how I am in every relationship I have ever had. Whether with a significant other or friends I become close with. I allow myself to open up completely and become vulnerable. I let people in with my arms wide open and care unconditionally. Sometimes I did find myself doing all of this to people who didn’t deserve all the love I had to offer and it became self destructing to me. This is how I have always been. It’s just who I am.
Sadly enough, I have found out that a person with such a big heart can still end up hurt. Just because you love, doesn’t mean you can change people, no matter how much potential you might see in them. You cannot change someone who is not willing to change themselves.
Sometimes we fall into relationships that end up breaking you into a million little pieces. You love people who betray you, who hurt you, who treat you not like a person, but like a stepping stone for their own gain.
But this isn’t about how authentic I am or how big my heart is. I know how much I have to give and it amazes me how much I gave of myself to someone who was undeserving, I can’t imagine how much I will give to someone who deserves it.
I can honestly say in my short twenty-one years alive, I have constantly gripped to the idea that you need someone to love you to be happy. But that is complete and utter bullshit.
I never thought I would reach my breaking point, quite honestly. I was so used to being content with my mediocre life and comfortable relationship. I used to think my life would never be complete without you until I realized you were the one who made it incomplete. You don’t honestly know what true happiness feels like when you are constantly relying on the presence of another human being to make you happy.
I never thought I would see the day when his absence was more congenial than his presence. With him I was drowning but never knew because it is what I had been used to for so long. When he let go I thought I might die, sink to the bottom. Instead I swam to the top, leaving him behind and I can honestly say I am now breathing fresher air.
This time, I am alone by choice.
I’ve learned this a number of times in my life, but I have finally come to the realization that all of this has lead me to exactly where I am supposed to be. I have always heard that sometimes people in your life are meant as lessons along the way to where you are meant to end up. I cannot even count the times I have actually heard that. But it took me until recently to actually believe it.
It took me far too long to realize the difference between someone telling you they love you, and actually loving you.
It took me countless heartbreak to grasp the fact that love should not hurt, love should heal. That anything or anyone that hurts you on purpose does not love you. That people who take your love but do not love back, only hurt you. You can leave these people. Leaving these people will open up so many closed doors that you have been so blind to see because you have been focused on giving everything you have to the wrong people.
We all deserve to be with somebody who looks at you every single day like they just won the lottery. We all deserve to be with somebody who stares us in the eyes and feels like they have the whole entire world in-front of them. Simply, we all deserve somebody that wants’ us as much as we want them. It is not forced, it is not artificial, it is not involuntary or obligatory.
I’ve always heard that chapters end and better ones will begin, and now I finally believe it.