Heartbreak Led Me To Love Myself

Can you truly forget someone? Someone that you spent so many good memories together. Someone that made you feel safe in his arms whenever you felt lost. Someone who you experienced really crazy, hot sex with. Someone who said that he forgives you even though you made him mad. Someone who said that he loved you more than you loved him. Someone who would squeeze your hand to show you how much he loves you. Someone that you absolutely, truly loved with all of your heart. Can you? No…I don’t think you can. At least I can’t.

We met in high school. High school sweethearts that everyone believed we were perfect for each other. Our first date was in the snow. I gave him a kiss on the cheek near the playground. We held each other’s hand to keep ourselves from falling. Everything that happened on that day made me happier than I ever was. He was my everything. I fell in love…so hard. But unfortunately, like all things, must have an end. I never wanted it to end. I wanted to keep trying. But what’s the point in trying when the other stops trying.

Here is the gist of how we went our separate ways. We were both in college; two different colleges but not too far from each other. He met different people while I just wanted a small group of people. My jealousy got the best of me when I felt like something was different. He was acting different. I felt like he was slipping away from me. Like someone was trying to steal him away from me. And I was right. As you can probably guess, my trust in him was running thin. He lied to me just to cover up the fact that he did not want to hurt me. Well just by lying to me and my mistrust came to the ultimate downfall of our relationship. We had a huge argument to where it got to the point that we called for a break. When I was about to walk alone to my apartment but he stopped me to walk me down the street. I remember how the atmosphere started to change between us. When I got home, I was trying to wake up from this terrible nightmare as I fell to the floor to cry. It hurt…it really fucking hurt. But what really hurt was after a few days of separation…he confessed those sharp, painful words that cut through my heart. I don’t love you anymore. You would think I started crying when I heard those words, but no, I was in complete, utter shock. Even though I was in shock, I already knew. We were drifting apart. Two different people who live two different lifestyles. We had different goals. We weren’t the same people anymore. I just never wanted to see it end this way.

Since then, we have not spoken to each other. Not one text. Not one phone call. We saw each other once in person, but did not speak to each other. I was around my now ex-boyfriend and was drunk. To be honest, I wished we got the chance to catch up on things before I left my hometown. Just because we are not together anymore does not mean I stopped caring about him. I remember how much I thought I hated him for what he said to me…but I don’t Through the ups and downs, I really appreciate every single bit of it. The thing I have come to realize is that I was seeking out approval while I was with him. I cared too much what others thought of me. I was hurting myself by doubting myself. I had to stop. For my sake.

Who I am today is different from who I was then. I enjoy being in my room alone. I love just having my cat right next to me while I watch something on YouTube. I enjoy drinking warm tea. I enjoy…my own company. I am learning to love myself each and every day. I feel beautiful. I feel sexy. I love looking at my body. My eyes. My hair. My face. My boobs. My legs. Everything little thing about me.

I used to be too blind to see that I am worth it. If any guy wants me, he has to value and earn me. But before I even think about meeting someone new, I need time to see my own value and love myself even more. And I am going to love myself the way I would want to be loved. TC mark

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