I went bar hopping over the weekend with my friend in a different city. I’ve been to bars and clubs before, but for some reason I was extra observant this time around. I realized that there are always the usual men around when it comes to a decent-sized, crowded club and or bar. The following men are what you can expect to come across in these outings:
1. The Guy Who Needs to Go Home
He’s had one shot too many and it’s easy to tell. His eyes can’t focus on you, he’s laughing one second then getting ready for a fight the next, he can barely stand up straight. Talking to him is equivalent to the one experience I had babysitting a five year old. Best to avoid.
2. The Foreigner
At least where I’m from, there’s quite a handful of tourists on any given night. Nothing wrong with this, but in most cases I’ve found that these gentlemen are better for dancing rather than talking. Chances are high they are just visiting and looking to get some American ass before heading back to the motherland so don’t expect a fairytale ending here.
3. The Pretty Boy Making Your Gay-Dar Go Off
I always fall prey to these men. They are dressed to the nines, their hair is perfect, and usually they have a face God did not leave till the night before to create. There’s always a chance they might be gay since they might even be prettier than you. Whether you’re a gay man or not, try to subtly find out before making a more forward move. However, gay or not, there’s probably been more than one girl who is trying to claim him as a lover or fabulous best friend already so competition is high.
4. The Guy Who’s Here to Watch The Game
Don’t bother unless you’re a true fan of sports. He’s just here to wear an unfashionable sports jersey, drink a beer, and focus all his attention on the TV above the bar tender’s head.
5. Creepy Old Guy
Poor Creepy Old Guy. He just wants to leave his bitchy wife at home for a night and come kick it with the youngsters to prove he’s still got it. Some of my friends swoon over the salt an’ peppa but to the rest of us these guys can make us uncomfortable. I shouldn’t talk smack, I’ll probably be that cougar one day seated at the bar with a glass of white wine, a la Fiona from American Horror Story, crying over my glory days.
6. The Recently Promoted Drunk
Stay near him. I repeat, stay near this guy. Maybe not for the whole night so as not to raise suspicion, but I guarantee you’ll get a free drink and or shot at one point and all you gotta do is stand uncomfortably close to him and his friends. He’s so excited over something he’s buying shots for the whole group, and just by space association, that means you.
7. The Hot Guy Who Leaves as You Go In
No! Don’t go! I’d follow you but I just paid a $20 cover :(
8. Some Dude from High School You Have to Say Hi To
Even if you don’t live at your hometown anymore, at one point you will go back for whatever reason, and because you’re there you’re going to need to drink. You’ll be at the local watering hole and there he is, or they are, old high school acquaintances. Just be nice. It must suck to have never moved away.
9. The Potential…With a Girl
You would bone this dude faster than when changing the station once that new Pitbull and Ke$ha song comes on. Unfortunately, so would his girlfriend who’s undeniably in your field of vision. You can hope she’s his sister/cousin all you want, but don’t mistake his occasional glances for nonverbal flirting. He’s probably wondering why you’re staring. Cut your losses and admit defeat. You’ll meet another potential and in the meantime enjoy your free of charge bean flicking material.
10. The Bouncer/Bartender
It’s their job to be nice to you. They may be nice to you specifically, but let me repeat that it’s their job. At the end of the day, they’re a bouncer. You think they’ll remember you in the sea of parted-in-the-middle ombre waves, mesh-front dress, Jeffrey Campbell knock-off-wearing drones? Don’t think so.