If you’ve been following the past week’s government shut down, you know that our country kind of sucks right now, as we enter an alternate universe where the GOP demands that Ted Cruz be elected overlord for all eternity. This is some darkest timeline shit, a universe where the biggest threats to the functioning of democracy aren’t the terrorists outside our government but the extremists inside it.
However, leave it to Twitter to look on the bright side: At least this isn’t The Purge. Twitter users have been helping us get through the past week the best way they know now — with Miley Cyrus jokes, Nicki Minaj lyrics and government shut down pick up lines. Without further ado, here are 29 of the absolute best, each a little piece of sanity during the middle of a clustercuss of cray.
I hope everyone’s 100% clear on the difference between a government shutdown and “The Purge”
— B.J. Novak (@bjnovak) October 1, 2013
If I had a nickel for every girl as beautiful as you, I’d have 5 cents. Which is more than the Treasury. #governmentshutdownpickuplines
— Robert Anaya (@RevChefRob) October 1, 2013
Can we have a Congressional standoff that results in a suspension of scholarly essays about Miley Cyrus?
— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) October 1, 2013
Now that the government is shutdown this gives Nicolas Cage the perfect opportunity to steal The Declaration of Independence. #ThanksObama
— Peter Riley (@Pistol_Pete15) October 3, 2013
I feel like there was more concern among people for the 2012 apocalypse than the #governmentshutdown
— Lorea Arambarri (@loreaarambarri) October 1, 2013
I drank POM during the shutdown and it literally helped so fucking much
— Carey O’Donnell (@ecareyo) October 1, 2013
Hey America, have you tried taking the cartridge out and blowing on it a bit? You’re welcome! #ShutDown
— Brendan Maclean (@macleanbrendan) October 1, 2013
Did it hurt when you fell? Because you’re in a federal park and we’re closed and no ambulance is coming for a while. #ShutdownPickupLines
— Hokie Struggles (@HokieStrugglez) October 2, 2013
I know you were wondering: “Shutdown” = noun. “Shut down” = verb. “They shut down the government.” “Holy moly, it’s a government shutdown.”
— Amy Bartner (@AmyBartner) October 1, 2013
“Do you not carry health insurance? Because you’ve got ‘fine’ written all over you.” #ShutdownPickupLines
— Josh Thomas (@Joshthomastn) October 2, 2013
I’m old enough to remember when Government Shutdown opened for Minor Threat in ’81.
— rachel lichtman (@DJRotaryRachel) October 1, 2013
Meanwhile in America: Voldemort has taken over, beginning to hide Horcruxes. Muggles still covering it up, calling it a government shutdown.
— Professor Snape (@_Snape_) October 8, 2013
— Stay Puft (@StayPuft) October 1, 2013
Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but I’m on furlough, so call me, maybe? #ShutdownPickupLines
— Sara Lang (@SaraLang) September 30, 2013
FUN FACT: When the government shuts down, all laws are suspended. Use Google Maps to plan your looting route. #sponsoredtweet
— daveweigel (@daveweigel) October 1, 2013
I am hoping our new government will have Twitter, YouTube.
— Steve Martin (@SteveMartinToGo) October 1, 2013
Obama says he plans to seek advice from the New York Giants, who have been shut down for over a month.
— Fake SportsCenter (@FakeSportsCentr) October 1, 2013
America, I’m sure you’ll be happy to know the North Korean government is running as smoothly as ever.
— God (@TheTweetOfGod) October 1, 2013
I’ll gerrymander your district so hard you’ll only elect extremists who make governing impossible. #ShutdownPickupLines
— Jesse Berney (@jesseberney) September 30, 2013
You’re not going to believe this but everyone’s uncle is giving away the solution to the government shut down on Facebook for free!!!
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) October 1, 2013
Wow, congress isn’t taking the end of “Breaking Bad” very well at all.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) October 1, 2013
It’s no surprise that this year’s top Halloween costume will be Slutty Government Shutdown.
— Brad Williams (@funnybrad) October 1, 2013
So, with the government shutdown does this mean Parks and Recreation is shutdown too?
— Too Tall (@2Tall2Furious) October 1, 2013
97% of NASA is shut down. I think it would sum up humanity nicely if our first response to alien contact was an out-of-office reply.
— Dave Turner (@mrdaveturner) October 1, 2013
Government shutdown? Finally the NSA won’t be spying on its citizens anymore! Wait, what do you mean the NSA didn’t shut down?
— Zach (@zachbrown83) October 1, 2013
the US government was getting hotter and hotter, sexy and hotter so we shut it down. pound the alarm
— Common White Girl (@girlposts) October 1, 2013
#HipsterCongress is full of posers. The Gov’t shutdown of 1995–96 was WAY cooler than 2013
— Jeff Reisdorfer (@AgMedia101) October 8, 2013
Can the Republicans and Democrats at least agree that GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN is an excellent title for a Bob Seger album?
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) October 1, 2013
#HipsterCongress never even wanted to be popular anyway
— B.J. Novak (@bjnovak) October 8, 2013