Unbelievable But True: New Kazakhstan Service Will Assault Your Girlfriend To Get You Laid

Trigger Warning: Assault.

Sadly this is not an Onion news article. This is very real.

A new service in Kazakhstan offers a unique way to help beleaguered boyfriends spice up their sex life: staging assault. When candy and sweet nothings just won’t impress, a service will instead stage an assault, where a gang will threaten to beat up your girlfriend — but only for pretend. They will then allow you to step in and save the day — looking like a badass for a low, low price. To think, some people make restaurant reservations when they want nookie.

According to Kazakhstan’s Tengri News, student Alan Temirbayev got the idea for the gimmick a few years ago when his girlfriend was actually attacked and Temirbayev was able to save her life, using his “macho style.” Although Temirbayev doesn’t say it, the implication here is that the incident, where traumatic and life-threatening, more importantly got him laid, and he’s happy to share that gift with others. His girlfriend is one lucky lady.

Tengri News reports that Temirbayev had posted about the new service on social media and the internet but is mostly relying on “word of mouth” to build a customer base. According to Temirbayev, it’s “gaining popularity,” mostly because of the affordability. For prospective buyers, he offers 15 different scenarios, each with a different price range. You can threaten your girlfriend for as little at 50 tenge — which is less than a U.S. dollar.

However, Temibayev isn’t in it for the money. “It’s a hobby,” he told Tengri reporters, in a rough translation from the original Russian. “At least it’s not corny. We don’t give out flowers or expensive phones, there’s real action.”

As Eurasia Net notes, the service isn’t that unexpected, as this comes from a country where bride kidnappings aren’t uncommon and the police semi-recently murdered about 16 oil workers and sent another 100 to the hospital, all for peacefully protesting. This was right before Christmas.

Like I said, some things need to be exaggerated, but others need no embellishment. Welcome to Kazakhstan, where you can leave the roses at home. TC mark

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