1. You pride yourself on trying every single flavor and forever wait for them to come out with new ones, just so you can feel the joy of the first bite.
2. You have concocted your own flavor and are convinced it would be their biggest flavor yet — or at least better than Phish Food. Your dream is to have your face on the side of the carton, the greatest honor ever known.
3. You firmly believe that Ben and Jerry know exactly what you’re feeling at any time — perfectly attuned to your needs. The existence of Half Baked proves this conclusively.
4. You have different flavors for different moods — like New York Superfudge Chunk for when you’re having a hard day or Karamel Sutra when you’re feeling frisky. But when you’re sad (or going through a breakup), every flavor is the right flavor.
5. You know that Schweddy Balls have nothing to do with testicles — and are incredibly delicious.
6. The only counseling you need is Chocolate Therapy — a confidant better than any Psychologist you’ve ever been to.
7. You don’t need a man in your life, because you’ve already got a Hubby. He’s Chubby, and it’s just more to love.
8. You only like Marzipan when it’s covered in almond cookie chunks and sweet cream ice cream. You could swim in it forever until you drown of happiness.
9. You dream in Americone and your peace is Whirled.
10. You often wonder what the ellipsis in “Everything But The” stands for. But the what, goddamn it?
11. You know how many calories are in their ice cream, and you kind of don’t care.
12. You know you could never be vegan — because ice cream. And if you were lactose intolerant, you’d just eat it anyway and hope for the best. (Note: There’s also Lactase.)
13. You sometimes flirt with other ice creams like Haagen-Dazs, Coldstone or Graeters — the latter of which is legitimately amazing — but you always come back. You know where home is.
14. You know that the only time Dave Matthews Band has even been good is when they were an ice cream.
15. You have ice creams stashed in different places in your house (like under your bed) and have thought about getting a mini-fridge to keep your Ben and Jerry’s closer.
16. You double fist with ice cream.
17. When you’re on a diet, you don’t stop eating Ben and Jerrys. You just exercise portion control — which only means eating one carton a day. If you want to burn some of those calories, you just walk to a grocery store that’s slightly farther away.
18. You often celebrate going to the gym by eating Ben and Jerry’s after, because it totally evens out, right?
19. Instead of having strawberries during sex, you would totally pull out Ben and Jerry’s. Remember: It’s okay when it’s in a four-way.
20. You believe that Ben and Jerry’s should be its own food group and count Banana Split as one of your fruit servings for the day.
21. You’ve always wanted to have a Dublin Mudslide in Dublin, because you get Ben and Jerry’s and a trip to Ireland in this fantasy. What could be better than that?
22. You wish you could go back in time to try all the discontinued flavors.
23. You once switched to their Fro-Yo, just to see if you’re a Fro-Yo Girl. It turns out you’re not that type of person — not that there’s anything wrong with people who are.
24. If you’re a guy, you would totally go gay for Ben and Jerry. They transcend sexuality.
25. You think that flowers are nice but think it would be even sexier if a guy brought you a bouquet of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. It would be really messy but aren’t feelings supposed to be messy? Ben and Jerry’s: that’s what love is.