1. In the spirit of Breaking Bad finally (!) winning Best Drama, all the Emmy voters took meth before they cast their ballots.
2. They threw the game to score big at their office pools. It worked for the White Sox, so why not?
3. They think that Claire Danes is her character on Homeland and are too concerned about her emotional state to give it to anyone else. I can’t blame them, though. Claire Danes really is that good.
4. Like in 3rd grade, the Emmys declared it opposite day – but forgot to tell anyone.
5. Jim Parsons has blackmail on everyone. It must be really good dirt, because it seems like he will win for the rest of our lives, even when The Big Bang Theory isn’t on anymore.
6. The Emmys have been watching too many Miley Cyrus videos and thought that trolling America would get their attention. Well, it worked.
7. The voters all got cancer from giving Michael Douglas oral, and with a week to live, suddenly things like awards just don’t matter anymore.
8. The Emmy voters think Jane Krakowski actually is Jenna. That’s true, but that’s because Jane Krakowski is everyone. She’s even people who don’t exist yet.
9. They’re too depressed about Happy Endings getting cancelled to properly vote. Don’t worry, guys. It’s hard for all of us.
10. The Emmys are prejudiced against bald people and can’t tell the difference between Louis C.K. and Larry David, saying to themselves: “Haven’t we given that Seinfeld guy enough things?”
11. Hanging chads.
12. The voters had been watching so much Breaking Bad that their minds turned to an emotional pool of jello. You should not make decisions after watching Breaking Bad – or operate heavy machinery.
13. They didn’t recognize Jon Hamm because of his beard (and figured he was pulling a Marlon Brando), so they gave it to “that nice guy from the show no one likes” instead.
14. Tonya Harding got to them.
15. The number of Modern Family nominees confused them so they just started checking boxes at random. But it’s okay: Modern Family’s continued dominance confuses everyone.
16. Voters are too scared of Jessica Lange to vote for her, because every vote only adds to her supernatural power. We’re all afraid of Jessica Lange – but it’s why we love her.
17. The whole thing was a cover to finally give Stephen Colbert awards. If that’s the case, I can’t stay mad at you, Emmys. Otherwise though, fuck you. JENNA MARONEY FOREVER.
18. By giving Anna Gunn recognition, the Emmys hoped to blow up the Internet, finally giving Sylar the chance to rule the world. (Note: This is the smartest decision they made the whole night.)
19. It didn’t happen. It was all Hurley’s dream.
image – Breaking Bad/Amazon