21 Unbelievably Stupid Criminals Who Will Make You Feel Better About Your Life
By Nico Lang
How’s your day going? Probably a lot better than these folks. TV shows are dedicated to tracking the world’s dumbest criminals — like the infamous guy who tried to run away from police wearing light up shoes — but these are some of the worst of the worst. Without further ado, here are 21 criminals who really should have watched more episodes of CSI. If you’re going to break the law, at least be smart about it.
1. Man attempts to siphon gas from neighbors’ cars. Man decides to take a cigarette break in the middle. Man accidentally catches scene on fire and is also arrested for arson. [Slate]
2. Two men attempt to hold up a restaurant in Chicago. The owner of the restaurant politely asks if they wouldn’t mind coming back later, after the customers have left. (They’re quite busy, you know.) The men acquiesced to his request and came back later to find the cops waiting for them. [Examiner]
3. Mugger decides to try and rob someone. During a police convention. His intended victim? A retired cop. [This Is Lincolnshire]
4. Man attempts to rob store. Man brings a baseball bat. That store was a gun store. Obviously the owners of the store weren’t having it, and instead held him at gunpoint. Cops arrive with man on the ground. If there were ever a moment to arrest someone for being dumb, this would be it. [Slate]
5. Teenager and friend vandalize building. Teenager signs name at the scene of the crime. “Peter Addison Was Here” might be a great name for an indie movie, but it’s a terrible calling card when you’re trying to get away with something. All that was missing was his home address and phone number. [Raw Justice]
6. A shop owner fakes a robbery to profit off of the insurance money. Police uncover their plot when a photograph of his partner is uncovered on the gentleman’s IPhone. His partner is wearing a balaclava. Were they keeping it as a memento? [This Is Lincolnshire]
7. 17-year old attempts to rob a police officer, instructing the cop to “hand over his money.” Future prisoner is also in a police station, where is quickly apprehended. He explains the situation to the officers, telling them that he’s just kidding. He told CBS, “Man I play like that all the time, I didn’t think she would take it seriously.” [Gawker]
8. Syracuse robber requests $20,000 from a bank teller. Teller throws some cash in a bag. Hands it to the gentleman. Man leaves, then discovers that the sum was less than he had hoped. Not satisfied, robber returns to the bank, to get the rest of the cash. Currently investigating the break-in, police are on the scene. Case closed. [CBS]
9. Pennsylvania man attempts to rob bank in his town. Arrives at 12:01. The bank closes at noon. The door is closed. The staff, sitting safely inside, easily take down his license plate number. [Oddee]
10. What do you do after holding up a bank? Apparently status update it on Facebook. After making away with his stolen fortune, Ryan Homsley returns home and posts, “I’m now a bank robber.” Doesn’t leave much to the imagination. [Midday]
11. Even better: 19-year old robs bank. Instead of putting it in offshore accounts, she makes a YouTube video to brag about it. She shows off all of the stolen goods — on camera. [KISS Evansville]
12. Polish criminal attempts to rob bank using a deadly, nefarious weapon: a spoon. Entire staff promptly laughs at him. The man leaves not a single penny richer. Charlie Brown music plays. [This Is Lincolnshire]
13. For a hobby, criminal robs convenience stores. He’s bored and sex just leaves him feeling hollow and meaningless. However, he’s not a guy who likes to waste his time. Before visiting a prospective location, he calls the store to inquire about how much cash the register currently has on hand. At that point, he may as well have flashed the Bat Signal. [Raw Justice]
14. Ex-convict has extra weed. He scans his phone, looking for someone to sell it to. Begins calling everyone in his phone as if it’s one in the morning and he’s desperate for a booty call. Gets to his parole officer. Dials parole office. Attempts to dump weed off on parole officer. Is arrested for violating parole. [Deadspin]
15. Robber in Colombia breaks into a home, expecting to be able to make off with the occupants’ belongings. Occupants are a karate champion and other karate instructors. The robber flees the scene, but not before they kick the crap out of him. The house’s owner told police, ““I don’t think the thief was eager to continue robbing here, he was very scared.”
16. Michigan resident attempts to run off with $300 in knives from a local Meijer grocery store. While being chased by cops, the man stumbles and falls the ground. He, thus, stabs himself with a very large amount of knives. [Raw Justice]
17. Woman purchases crack but has buyer’s remorse and the drugs in less than desirable quality. Feeling she has been taken advantage of, she goes to her local police officer, hoping that he will correct the injustice. He arrests her instead. [Raw Justice]
18. Man tries to steal security cameras. Spends four hours attempting to take them apart with a Swiss Army knife. Security cameras are filming him stealing them the whole time. [Midday]
19. Fraud suspect appears in court. Has to pay for fingerprints. Man uses stolen credit card for purchase. [Michigan Live]
20. Man decides to rob convenience store in Michigan but doesn’t put on the mask until he is in the store and in plain view of the facility’s numerous security cameras. Robber puts on Darth Vader mask. [Time]
21. Don’t have a mask? When robbing a bank, these criminals are short on supplies. Instead they scribble their disguises on with marker. Apparently they fail at coloring. Police swiftly apprehend them. I hope the cops had a moist towelette on hand. [This Is Lincolnshire]