Recently a movement of heterosexuals has been lobbying for a Straight Pride Month, and on CNN, LZ Granderson shot that argument in the face. The last time I checked, heterosexuality had never been criminalized or made illegal in the United States, or John Mayer would have been put to death by now. He flaunts his heterosexuality in public every day. The nerve of those breeders!
Simply put, here are some reasons why we don’t need a straight pride month. Because we already have twelve of them. They’re just called by misleading names. I’ve listed their aliases for you, so you’ll know at what times it’s best appropriate to celebrate your heterosexuality.
And a brief note from our sponsors, when booking your heterosexual holiday, make sure to fly Spirit.
1. Known also as: “January”
Start your Pride off right with: Sled Riding, Heterosexual Snowman Building and NASCAR pre-season events.
2. We call this: “February”
Gay Pride Oasis: Oscar Night
3. Goes by the name of: “March”
How to celebrate: March Madness, St. Patrick’s Day, Lent, Easter
4. Alias: “April”
Watch out for: The opening day of MLB baseball.
Nothing says heterosexual pride like taking in a game while you watch voluptously posteriored men play grab ass. America!
5. Known on the street as: “May”
Make sure to catch: Cinco de Mayo, VE Day, Star Wars Day.
Although, IMO, C3PO and R2D2 were totally a couple. They’re the Bert and Ernie of space.
6. Now celebrating: “June”
Note: Heterosexuals are forced to share this month with gays, because it’s summer, gurrrrl!
7. We call it: “July”
Celebrate with: The Fourth of July. Blow stuff up in the sky! Pollute! Dance! Pollute! Dance! America!
Note: Once every four years, we have the Olympics, America’s ode to unintentional homoeroticism. Tom Daley, I miss you.
8. You’ve known it as: “August”
How to observe: Go back to school.
9. Nee: “September”
Keep an eye out for: Labor Day
10. Often goes by the name of: “October”
Actually: October is pretty gay. (See: Halloween.)
11. On the calendar as: “November”
Monthly events include: Thanksgiving, Sadie Hawkins’ Day, Veterans’ Day
12. Oh, right: “December”
Cap off your Straight Pride Year with: Baby Jesus’ Birthday, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Boxing Day, Advent, Winter Solstice, the NFL playoffs, Festivus, Jimmy Buffett’s birthday (who is like Jesus for many).
Also: There’s National Fruitcake Day. Because that’s a thing. I can’t tell who it’s for, but I want to go to there.